Sunday, July 31, 2005

Flesh Peddler Pill

I know most of you are worried about the physical health of you local sex workers, but the sex business is also a stressful to the mental health of your local streetwalkers. That’s why one Dr. (no not me) has made a medical breakthrough to keep the whores right in the head. What a breakthrough in psychological medicine, the Dr. (no not me) should be commended. Now we will no longer hear “you crazy ho” being yelled by snazzy dressed pimps on the street. If there is one thing people don’t want to see, crazy scantily clad women is it.

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Completely Insensitive Jokes About…This Guy


Normally when I make insensitive jokes, I target historical figures, celebrities, or groups of people. But, every once in a while someone just screams to be made fun of; case and point, this guy (warning when viewing his page, turn down volume, or you might cause bystanders to wonder about your sexual orientation). What could I possibly say that could even come close to the things that his guy said to make fun of him? Le me start by taking random quotes of his that I find particularly funny and/or disturbing. For instance, "Although Peter pan is definitely a boy, to me this character is perfectly asexual,…" and "So such a character(Peter Pan), by his fairy-like qualities and elfin appearance, represents a literal blaspheme against their(my) "god". "

Hmm ...there is food for thought. Peter Pan is the poster child for effeminate males, and all this time I thought it was about a boy that didn’t want to grow up and fought pirates. Guess I was way off. It turns out Peter Pan is a non gender specific 50 year old, that wants people to think boys acting like girls is o.k. I guess that’s why he hung out with the lost boys all the time and never made a move on Wendy. Does Michael Jackson know he has competition in the loony contest? This guy could probably make it to the top of CUG’s Gay List. The other most disturbing/funny thing is the guest book. Probably hundreds of posts and only one person that says "Doesn’t anyone else think this guy is strange?". I think most normal people would say that a 50 year old that dresses up as a Disney character for fun(it aint his job folks) is more than just strange, it’s hanging on the balance of being certifiable. I’m betting he still lives with his mom. CUG hook Pan up on your list for next time.

Authors note: What ever happen to boys wanting to become men and men wanting to be manly?

Rules and Reading Assignments

I figured do to my sudden popularity, I have gained at least 2 more readers. I wanted to take this time, before I posted the disturbing thing B-Cack sent me, to explain some of the rules to my blog. First and foremost keep it clean in the comment section. The only one allowed to use bad language is B-Cack and that’s because he’s serving our country. If you are serving our country and can send me a picture of yourself standing next to your battalion sign, uniform on, and with a 20-oz sprite in your hand as proof of service, then you will be allowed to curse also. Until then, I’ll delete your comments and call you names.

Trolls are welcome and their wacky beliefs and conspiracy theories will be tolerated, as long as they don’t run on forever making people scroll eternally to get to the bottom of the comment section. If I feel that your comment is too long, it will be desolved faster than a Hollywood marriage. The last rule is to pimp my blog as much as possible. I’m aiming at growth here people.

Reading assignments: To better figure out my style and past, peruse the articles listed below and then take the time to check out the archives. It’s only two months worth of stuff, you can do it.

A Phat History Lesson

Phat FAQs

B-Cack Originals: B-Cack Goes Postal and The Wookie Debate.

All right time to get back to making fun of this wacko so I can post it later.

Friday, July 29, 2005

What A Day


Well today was a blast for me. Watching the site meter tally up my visits was hypnotic. (doesn’t take a lot to amuse me) Of course I couldn’t have done this without the help of Heather from the Neal Boortz Radio Show. God bless her.
Had to take a screen shot of the site meter for posterity sake. Come Monday that kind of traffic will just be a memory. I’m hoping for 2% return on my Boortz investment, that would increase my average to a respectable level. So now the praise has been divvied out, I’ll give you some links to some completely asinine cartoons. I’m not sure why they make me laugh,(probably because of the gratuitous violence, and bad potty humor)but they do. Enjoy.

Joe Cartoon: Live and Let Dive II
Joe Cartoon: Donkey Bong
I was going to link to these cartoons but a redirect takes you to the home page. So, go to Joe Cartoon , then click on new and click those two cartoons.

PLATO for Terrorists

P.L.A.T.O (Pork Laden Anti-Terrorist Ordnance) is in its final testing phase. This weapon, of incredible terrorist dispatching ability, should be available to the armed forces within the next few months. Developed and made in the birth place of the Saturn V and Sean Hannity, Huntsville AL, the project has boosted the local economy. Engineer Jim, the project leader, has said “We don’t particularly like terrorist ‘round here, and all though we have to give up some delicious pork, it’s a sacrifice we’re willin’ to make” He also said, “It’ll send those Islamofacists to eternal damnation, and smell like the 4th of July at the same time.” With the two models, one for long distance delivery, and one for short range, the terrorists will being running back to the caves.

I am Famous Now

Wow! I got linked by the Talk Master Neal Boortz's minion Heather. I think this means I'll be famous amongst the Libertarians. Congrats are definitely deserved so start giving them to me; plus money, give me that to.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Selfless Promotion

I’ve recently came across two bloggers that have apparently just started and have yet to gain the minimal notoriety that I have found in the ever growing blog world. They’ve been kind enough to visit my humble ramblings and leave comments. I’ve been fortunate to be upgraded to 14 readers from 12. (I will now call you the Fantastic 14…my apologies to Stan Lee) I think that it is my responsibility, as a blogger, to promote newer bloggers and help them gain an audience. This is what separates us, the Alliance, from Evil Glenn, the puppy blender.

Without further self-promotion I present to you:

Fitch with Radioactive Liberty and his discovery of cutting edge technology of the Aussies.

And

Fmragtops Spews that seems to have a troll problem. I hate it when trolls move in before a blogger gets a chance to build a fan base. It’s pretty discouraging and I don’t want to lose any conservative blogger do to being exasperated from having to argue with moonbats.

So go give these two your patronage, and support. Comments are the best way to make them feel welcome.

I deserve a Noble Prize, or at least be listed on their links.

Testimonials…

I got to thinking, and after I failed at that; someone suggested that I have testimonials from the people that read my blog. What a great idea! For my regular readers and commenters, leave a small testimonial about my blog. I’ll start you off with two that I came up with.

Reading Dr. Phat Tony’s gave me non-hodgkins lymphoma.

~Dr. Phat Tony

Dr. Phat Tony puts the A$$ in asinine.

~Dr. Phat Tony

If you do this, you’ll get another wonderful link. If you don’t have a blog, you’ll have the satisfaction of having your name on my blog. Leave them in the comments and let the idiocy commence.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Oh The Humanity!

I woke up last night in a cold sweat with my faced stretched into a silent scream of horror. The image that had come to me in a dream is surely a sign of the end of the world. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had witnessed something truly horrible, and the images were so real it had to be true. With a few quick searches I had confirmed the disastrous incident. A curse of impotency for the driver of this vehicle is the only punishment fitting. It’s the signs of the times my friends. Go get the pales of sheep’s blood to paint on your door sills, the end is nigh.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

UT Helps Protect Against Ali


The University of Tennessee, with the cooperation of the UAW, has released a new product "guaranteed not to be targeted by suicide bombers." The all new Anti-Terrorist Pick-Up Truck, is what the soldiers of the future will be driving when occupying a country where militant Islamics like to sacrifice their lives to hurt our soldiers. Notice the reactive pork armor protecting the vehicle from sex starved terrorists. The reactive pork armor works by expelling small pieces of flying pig, that will cover the remains of the suicide bomber, keeping them from meeting those 72 virgins. Department of Defense officials are pleased with the development of such and effective defense and are asking if the university has any ideas about pork projectiles for weapons. The Defense Department officials said, "We would really like to develop a hand held weapon that will, not only kill terrorists, but also send them straight to hell in the eyes of their wacko accomplices." And also said, "We are really pleased with this armor. It may not stop suicide bombers right away, but when news spreads that those little bastards are going straight to Muslim hell, they’ll think twice about blowing up a soldier's vehicle".

Hat Tip to Tennessee Extreme Hunting Adventures for the pic.



Update: P.L.A.T.O. (Pork Laden Anti-Terrorist Ordnance) is near completion.

Update: You bet I'm trying to cash in.

You’ve Got Questions…I Got Answers


Well here are some of the questions asked by my brilliant readers.

Kate from Kate’s Korner, asks “Why don't men ask for directions?”

The answer to this is not quite as difficult as it seems. Most men know how to read a map and those who don’t are gay. You’ll never hear a man ask a woman riding in the passenger seat, “Where are we?” This question is more often asked by the woman in the passenger seat that hasn’t been paying attention to anything besides a magazine and/or radio for the last 3 hours and truly doesn’t know where she is. Now the woman, who has a genetic predisposition to distrust a husband, can not comprehend that the man driving a car has paid anymore attention to their whereabouts than she has. Since the woman doesn’t know where she is, she must then assume that the man driving also doesn’t know, regardless of what he says. I learned long ago, that once a man is married he will spend the rest of his life being wrong. So my response to the direct question is, “O.k. let’s ask for directions. How abut that man selling boiled peanuts on the highway, he looks like a Rhode scholar?”

The next question is from Pop, and he asks, “Why will my son allow others to post articles on his web page, but will not print the article his feeble, old, and nearly blind father submitted? Could it be he is afraid others will think he isn't as smart as his father?”

Alright, who left the computer on at the old folk’s home? Relax, don’t get your depends in a bunch, I’m getting to it. Here have some apple sauce and mashed potatoes.

Insolublog asks, “Are we all made of particles, waves, strings or ... ?”

I’m figuring that all living things are made from poo. It’s that crazy circle of life. Plants eat poo, animals eat plants, you eat plants and animals, and you’re full of poo. Non-living things are made from anti-poo.

Cove Rebel asks, “You are 40 and fall for a girl who is 10. You can't marry her because you are 4 times older than she is. You wait 5 years. You are now 45 and she is 15. Only 3 times older. You wait 15 more years. She is now 30 and you are 60. Only 2 times as old as she is. How long do you have to wait until she catches up?

So, when you are 50 she’s 20. What the hell are you waiting on? Any mileage put on a woman is high mileage. You test drive one and the blue book value just plummets. If you’re waiting for her to catch up with you in age, you are doing a disservice to men everywhere and I’ll have to ask for you to give up your man card.

Jimmyb a Conservative UAW Guy asks, “Why are pictures of monkeys funny, but real monkeys are evil and stink?”

The reason the pictures are funny is because, just like raving moonbat Democrats. What they say and do is quite humorous for the non-criminally insane, but left to their own devices, without being locked up cages, they can wreak havoc in the streets.

Pop asks, “Why is it when you’re outstanding in your field you’re not actually out standing in your field.”

It’s probably the same reason you park in a driveway and drive on a parkway, or they call packages that are sent by ships cargo, and packages sent by automobile shipments. The English language has been purposely designed to screw with the rest of the worlds heads. Advantage USA.

PebblePie from Blue Star Mom in the Pacific Northwest asks, “How do scientists know cats don't have "Sweet" taste buds? Wouldn't you have to be a cat to know if you can taste sweet or not?”

I’m more of a dog person but I’ll give it a shot. I did some research and found that we’ve been transplanting cat tongues into small tongueless children for years. The best thing to do, is to wait until you see a small child with hair on his/her tongue, who’s breath stinks like rotting, sour fish and offer them a piece of candy.

A4G from Point Five asks, ” I hate hippies. Does that qualify as a question?”

Because this was typed I will assume that the statement “I hate hippies.” was said while slightly raising the octave of the voice when getting to the word hippies. This would imply a query and the answer would be; yes, you hate hippies. This would also mean that it qualifies as a question.

Thanks for the wonderful questions if you feel that any of my answers are not correct, or offend you, please email me at Lightenup@youhumorlessjerk.com

Monday, July 25, 2005

I'm Here; I'm Listening


Alright, I didn't put a Dr. in front of my name just to make people think I'm a real doctor (I'm not by the way, I just wanted to make fun of Dr.Kenny). I'm here to help with all your problems and/or questions. Believe me when I say, I have an answer for all, and maybe the answer I give will even make sense (don't hold your breath though). So, come on, test my knowledge, ask my advice (and for the women ask for advice then don't follow it), there are no limits to the asinine answers you will recieve. Plus, I still owe everyone for the answer you gave me.

I'm Quasi-Famous Now

My questions were read by Right Wing Duck on the IMAO podcast. I wonder if I get the free T-shirt? I deserve the free T-shirt.

Update: Dang it, I didn't correctly identify the weapon the 007 used in the movies (was playing the game with my nephew a few weeks ago and it was the first to come to mind), but as I pointed out in the comments for feedback, James has a preference for sissy weapons. Here is the list of James Bond's side arms so that you can tell that Most of the James bond characters were sissies.
Original Weapon: Beretta .25
Most Seen Weapon: Walther PPK 7.65mm
Most Recent Weapon: Walther P99 9mm (still pretty sissy)
Other Weapons Carried That Aren't Sissy: Smith and Wesson Centennial Airwieght .38 (finaly a weapon with some knock down power),Ruger Super Blackhawk .44 Magnum (The best one listed so far) , but these two guns were only in the books I think.

Forgive Me for Lack of Funny

Because the last post was light years from funny, I will give you this joke to make up for it. Hat tip to PebblePie. Please forgive me for not finding the funny muse today.

Where I Stand

I haven’t gotten into my own personal political beliefs too in depth here on my blog. I figure most people would consider me conservative. The truth is I’m fairly balanced somewhere between libertarian and conservative. For the most part libertarian when it comes to the way I would like our government to work and conservative about most social issues.

Let me explain this in a little more detail. I think that it is not the government’s job to take care of an individual. I don’t like to see money being redistributed through taxes and given to people who aren’t taking care of themselves. This is socialism and it has never worked for any country. Once people realize that they can vote to take money away from the people that earn it and give it to the people who aren’t contributing anything positive to the community, our nation will be on the down slope to failing and becoming too much like those European, luke warm socialist countries.

That being said I don’t particularly agree to the libertarian’s view on social issues. The best way to describe this is, “A person can wave their arms anyway they want as long is doesn’t deprive someone of their rights or property.” I think that the government should dictate, at least, a basic morality. I’m not talking a theocracy, but a definitive right and wrong way to behave in general. I’ll list some issues and give my take so you can better understand.

Abortion: We can’t stop it. It’s going to happen with or without laws and don’t think anyone wants to imprison pregnant women to ensure they carry to term. That said, I don’t think that it should be government funded and if the child is capable of life outside the womb (with medical assistance) then instead of crushing a fetus’s head, take the child C-section in the third tri-mester and put up for adoption. I would rather spend government money trying to preserve life than destroy it. Unfortunately, I don’t see that we could place any ban on early term abortions.

Gun Control: Guns are right given to the citizens of this nation. Our forefathers understood that if the government was the only one with weapons then the citizens had no power to overthrow a corrupt government. This is a check and balance between the average man and the government.

Gambling, Prostitution, Drugs: I gamble and enjoy it; I’m not going to pay for it; I’m not a crack head. It should be up to the states to decide. We could separate all the wheat from the chaff this way. A person, who wants to live around this, could move to a state that allows it. I know Alabama would never approve of such things, and if I feel the need to gamble (hopefully get to go soon) I’ll drive to Tunica. The most important thing that I see is that no tax money should go to the rehabilitation of anyone who gets caught up with the vices. You’re addicted to heroine; hurry up die and stop breathing my air. If there is a charity out there that will rehabilitate you, then go there for help, but don’t force me to pay for your poor decisions.

Judge Roy Moore: I’m from Alabama so it’s my duty to have an opinion about him. I think that it was unnecessary for him to decide to make a monument and move it into the court house. If it was already there; fine, preserve it. I can’t see that a large monument to the ten commandments is going to help the judicial process any. If he made it to evangelize, than he should have spent the money on billboards along I-65, instead of making a monument that is only seen by a small fraction of the populace. More people would have seen it that way. I honestly think that the only thing that Judge Roy Moore was thinking about when he made that monument was “How can I get myself noticed so I can run for governor?” I think it was selfish of him to use state money to make the monument, and then defend it after it was ordered to be removed. I know of better ways to spend tax money.

Gay Marriage: No, never. Why? The same reason siblings can’t get married, or people can’t marry children, or animals. There is a right and wrong. Marriage’s purpose is to bring about a family. It’s not discriminatory that gay people can’t get married. Any gay man can marry any gay woman. A straight man can not marry another straight man. See, equal protection under the law. Plus being gay is a decision and people should not be awarded any privileges for choosing a lifestyle outside the social norm.
Alright enough with this rant. I figure you have a better idea on how I see things. Man, this wasn’t funny at all.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Blogger Down!


Some one might be in trouble. One of the first to come and visit my sight and give me kudos has gone missing. She was once a large mammal in the ttlb ecosystem but that has dwindled down now to where she is changing back and forth from marauding marsupial to large mammal (I wish I had that problem), and quite possibly be shrinking even further, if we don't do something. She has not posted an article in 25 days. So what has happened to BeeJay at the Day Lee Misadventures? Has Evil Glenn gone after one of the Alliance members in an act of retribution for our filthy lies? Is this the beginning of an evil plot to slowly reduce the number of Alliance members one blogger at a time? Will the Alliance step up and send out a rescue party to find our comrade and, if necessary, avenge her demise? Will these questions never end?

We must put an end to the Instapundit, sniping our members. Perhaps Harvey and the Alliance can bring a resolution to this missing blogger dilemma. If anyone finds clues to the where about of BeeJay, pop a can of red smoke and secure the perimeter, the Alliance is on its way.

How Hot is it?

…As hot as two rats procreating in wool sock, in Arizona, at high noon. I swear that I just sweated half my body weight outside putting together my new lawn mower. I still got to go out there and push that thing around. Too bad we don’t have more; what do you call them now, ah, undocumented immigrants. I could get one of them to push this thing around for five bucks. Maybe I’ll go hunt down a crack head, and offer him a few bucks to mow the lawn. Oh, well, back to work. I hope I don’t get heat stroke. Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate…

Saturday, July 23, 2005

What is More Gay?


So we all know that Rosie O’Fat Lesbian is gay, everything on the gay list is gay, gay pride parades are gay, and Honda Del Sols are gay, but which one of these next two items is the most gay.
There was a wedding this past weekend and "anonymous" said that he wasn’t going because weddings were gay, and the wedding invitation was pink instead of having cool army insignia all over it. This same anonymous was then caught, just days later, getting a manicure. What I pose to you is, which one of these is most gay. Take the poll and let’s see what the public says.

Update: It doesn't look good for anonymous. Is there not any hand model out there willing to step up and cast a ballot towards a pink invitation to a function where men are present and participating?



Which is the Gayest?
Wedding invitation that is pink. That's mega-gay!
A man getting a manicure. I don't care if it has man in the name it's still too gay for straight people to do.




Free polls from Pollhost.com


Friday, July 22, 2005

Pimp My Blog…

I want to thank all of you that have me listed on their blog roll. I want you to know, that if I see my blog on your list, I will gladly return the favor. I check all the links on my roll everyday and leave comments (not on all of them but whenever a thought strikes me).
One rule though; you have to let me know that you’ve put me on your blog roll. I can’t read minds ya know. I tracked this blog down using my hit counter. I had to search through the comments of this blog to find her. Anyone that is out there pimping my blog and generating me hits, will gain a spot on my daily read. Thanks again all of you, I’ll come through with some more funny or if not funny, just some more sh**.

Fun Links for Friday

B-Cack has been begging me to post some of these funy links so that you can also share in our amusement.
This is by far the best video ever made.
I'm not sure why these Brits did this, but it amuses me.
You can not be a Uber Geek without one of these.
I wasn't aware you got on of these when you lose it.
Need some new conspiracy theories?
Also go check out Items of Interest #49 at Multiple Mentality.
Oh here is one to get your dance groove on.
Let me also add two sites filled with guys that made my "need to be kissed by a real girl" list.
Lonely guys 1
Lonely guys 2

Just a few things for you to look at. Let me know what you think.

History of the Mullet (Part 3)


History of the Mullet (Part 1)

History of the Mullet (Part 2)

One hundred and some odd years later, the Pilgrims landed on Plymouth Rock eager to spread the life and love that only a true mullet can spread (along with countless venereal diseases). Apparently Christopher Columbus had forgotten to mention that the Indians were not very happy about their European visitors, and upon the arrival of the Pilgrims, the Indians were as livid as a pack of redneck amidst warm beer and no koosie cups. Years of conflict followed, and many mullets lost their lives. The massive bloodshed on both parts made the Pilgrims and the Indians realize the foolishness of their fighting. They both possessed a similar lifestyle of living on the edge, and admired one another’s almost identical haircuts. They decided to get along, and had an incredible Kegger… which later became known as the First Thanksgiving.
Although the mullet never disappeared entirely, it’s popularity diminished significantly while the colonies were under British rule. The British were extremely strict, and they did not appreciate the business in front, party in back attitude of the Colonists. This was soon to change. The onset of the Revolutionary War sparked an uprising of the Colonial Mullet. And why wouldn’t it? It is common knowledge that mullets love guns, fighting, and challenging authority. After the Revolutionary War, the Mullet was here to stay, and took many new twists and turns.
So, in actuality, the one haircut thought to be “American” turns out to be Greek, and over 3000 years old! Despite this, America has adopted the mullet as it’s own, and has made more variations on this unique style than any other country in the world. In what other country could there possibly be over 2000 different types of mullets? After all, America is the Land of Freedom and the mullet is more than just a haircut: it’s a lifestyle.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

FAQ’s for the UN…

I don’t know how I ended up on the UN web site, but I found myself looking at the FAQ’s (frequently asked questions). I noticed that none of the questions asked were questions I’ve ever heard addressed to the UN. I mean, who really is going to ask how to send money to the UN?

I found an email address that I could send questions in and get answers. Now I’m not one to let an opportunity like this pass, and plus I have few more frequently asked questions that they failed to address in the FAQ. Here are the questions that I emailed to the UN in bullet form:

  • If a country fails to abide by UN sanctions placed on them, what is the next step?
  • If the answer to that question is to put in place more sanctions and that fails, what is the next step?
  • How many sanctions can you impose on a country before you must take military action?
  • In Article I of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, it’s says, "All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights. They are endowed with reason and conscience and should act towards one another in a spirit of brotherhood." How does this reflect the current members of the UN, when not all of its members have a free society, or act brotherly towards anyone? Shouldn’t some kind of standard be set so not any communist regime, or evil dictator be allowed to join?
  • Why does the UN hate Jews so much?
  • How come the US provides most of the financial backing and manpower for the UN, but has the same veto power as France?
  • Why would anyone in their right mind let France sit on any council that has "security" as part of it’s name?
  • China is also a member of the Security Council, but from what I can tell they do not follow any part of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. Shouldn’t a country with veto power at least abide by this Declaration?
  • Do you find it odd that the two countries that vetoed action against Iraq(u) have also been implicated in the oil for food scandal? If this scandal pans out and criminal charges are brought against the representatives will their country lose their seat on the Security Council?
  • Is there any real punishment for corrupt bureaucrats at the UN?

I’ll let you guys know if they write me back. I wonder what kind of answers I’ll get.

Update: This is the reply I got back from the UN: Delivery to the following recipient failed permanently: inquiries2@un.org ...That figures. Like anyone at the UN is accountable for anything.

History of the Mullet (Part 2)


History of the Mullet (Part 1) Time for more mullet history from "lil"B-Cack

Moving ahead to Renaissance Italy in the late 1400’s and early 1500’s, the revival of art, literature, and science were all historical markers that can be recognized to this day. But the revival of art, literature, and science were not the only thing rediscovered from the Ancient Greeks, for the Mullet was reborn as well. Several significant scientific discoveries were made during the Italian Renaissance. Galileo Galilei was one of the most influential scientists of all time. He had an average sized mullet, but he had an incredible amount of mulle-“tude”, and mullet-rage. Like a true mullet, he had a problem with authority, and eventually his mulle-“tude” was so fierce, he got himself ex-communicated from the Catholic Church! Many fascinating piece of art, including the Mona Lisa, were made during this time as well. Now although Mona Lisa did not have a mullet, her famous creator had a gigantic one, a ratio of 3 inches to 15. Talk about major mulle-“tude”. He had no choice in this however. He was the illegitimate child of a notary and a peasant girl, who most likely worked at “Ye Old Titty Bar.” As a young child, Leonardo was teased and tormented by his peers, and decided to “show them” by growing a huge mullet and began working at the local workshop (a medieval Zip Lube if you will). Leonardo’s friend Michelangelo had a mullet as well. His mullet ratio was not as impressive as his friends, and it most closely resembles the “Flock of Sea-mullets” cut by today’s standards. This is not surprising at all considering that Michelangelo lived an “alternative lifestyle.” He enjoyed sculpting nude males! It was his lifestyle choice, but his “habits” also explain the haircut. He quaffed his mullet, and used it to pick up men. Mulle-“tude” for Michel: 1.2.

Around the same time, another famous Mullet in History made his way into history books. In 1492, Christopher Columbus sailed the ocean blue sporting the ever so popular “mudflap”. Although more of a Loch Ness mullet in spirit due to his obsessive compulsive fondness of water and big boats, and a complete lack of navigational skills, Christopher became the first European to set foot on what would later become American Soil with a rocking mullet. Columbus was in for a huge shock when he caught sight of the inhabitants of this strange land. These “Indians” also had mullets, only theirs were Tennessee Waterfalls. Ratios of 1 to 30 as far as the eye can see. This “navigational mishap” seemed to be a wonderful discovery, and the news of this new mullet haven was passed around quicker than a blunt at a Snoop Dogg concert.

To be continued.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Job Opening for Killers in the GOP

Where was I when this position was being advertised? I could be on the hit squad for the Republican Party. I think Begala was a little bit misguided with his statement though. Republicans want to kill terrorists, and although left wing moon-bats love terrorists, that doesn’t make them terrorists. I think it makes them traitors. As for killing his children, that’s sounds like something militant Islamic terrorists, or pro-abortion Dems would do, not the Republican Party.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Learning is the Shiznit

Thanks to RWD, you now know of the problem our children have communicating with each other, and dare I say the world. I had this problem when I was in high school. Being a minority (1 of 90 white kids surrounded by 1000 African American students), I had a hard time understanding what was going on within my own school. It took me well into my junior year before I had mastered enough Ebonics to communicate well with my classmates. Luckily, thanks to the wonderful people of San Bernardino all children will be "down" with the latest slang. One thing that was not mentioned though was the new tool they will be using to help our less pigmented children to learn the intricacies of this graceful and beautiful language. Microsoft has came out with a wonderful instructional software to help our not so "krunk" children. God bless you Bill Gates, and 5000 "G".

History of the Mullet (Part 1)


O.k. I'm giving B-Cack's 'lil sister some blog time for 2 reasons. One, because she has a things for mullets, and two, I live in the south, so mullets are more than just a hair style, they're a lifestyle. Give it a read and leave her a comment to let her know how she's doing. I f you like it I'll post some more of her mullet history.

The Mullet is considered to be the only haircut to originate within the United States. Most speculate that the mullet trend began in the late 1970’s in the backwoods of the South and the rolling plains of the Midwest, but this, in fact, is not true. The Mullet has a rich and multicultural history that is over 3000 years old.

The mullet actually dates back to 1100 B.C. in ancient Greece. This is not at all surprising, and in reality, explains why the Ancient Greeks acted the way they did. The Trojan War was fought over a woman; a prime example of the ancient Greeks being red-neck white trash. This also explains why the Greeks were very much inbred. It is the way of the Mullet to swim in the shallow end of the gene pool. Many important Greeks had mullets, including Socrates and Homer. Socrates is most known for his unique philosophy, but he should be recognized for his rocking mullet and accompanying mullet lifestyle. After “thinking hard” for several years while his wife worked in the town square weaving, it was found that he never wrote anything down. Not a single word. Not one! His friend Plato claims that he came up with fascinating ideas, but this cannot be proven. Most likely, Socrates just sat around all day, combing his mullet. Socrates even went out in true mullet fashion. He drank poison hemlock, probably mistaken for Ouzo, and died a few hours later. Homer, although blind, had an enormous mullet. Whether he knew he had one or not, Homer tried extremely hard to live the life of the bi-leveled. He failed miserably, and wrote poetry instead. This would be a disgrace to any Mulleted folk, and Homer knew this. He never showed anyone his work, and all of his manuscripts were found after his death. The fall of Greece invariably caused the fall of the mullet temporarily, but unlike Greece the mullet had a rebirth many years later.

To be continued...?

Monday, July 18, 2005

Joe Porter Runs Shit Around Here… (A Phat History Lesson)

I know I cursed, but I had to, so that Google would link to this when it was searched. I will censor myself for the rest of the article.

I’m going to let you in on a running gag that has been going on for years within my old unit. There was a soldier named Joe Porter. Joe Porter thought it would be funny to get some business cards made up that said "Joe Porter’s house of sh** Joe Porter runs sh** around here". Two other soldiers thought it was incredibly stupid, and took it upon themselves to make sure that everyone in the world knew that "Joe Porter runs sh** around here". So these two soldiers carved this into every bathroom stall they ever went into. You go to Grafenwere, in the porto-potties, in the training area, Joe Porter runs sh** around here. Go to Ireland, in the bars, Joe Porter runs sh** around here. Go to Amsterdam, in the bars, Joe Porter runs sh** around here. Go to Ranger school, Joe Porter runs sh** around here. Over 15 different countries, and probably close to 1000 bathroom stalls, this saying is carved into the walls. Of course, Joe Porter is not aware of this, and most people never connect the sayings since they aren’t paying attention and only visit a few of the many bathroom stalls this is carved into. It’s the modern day "Kilroy was here" gag.

I have a story to go along with this running gag. My platoon was on QRF (quick reaction force). It’s basically like camping out. You don’t have anything to do with your time besides catch some sun, and listen to the radio waiting for a call to action. Now in Kosovo they have an abundance of tortoises. They’re all over the place, and are quite large. We had come to call them Serbian attack tortoises. I had gone to use the latrine (find a nice plant to fertilize) and noticed a tortoise slowly walking by. Now all soldiers in my unit had a Sharpie marker on them at all times.(not sure why, it was handy though) Now me not being one to end a gag, decided it would be cool to use the tortoise to further the Joe Porter gag. I grabbed up the tortoise and with my permanent sharpie quickly scribbled "Joe Porter runs sh** around here" on it’s shell and let it loose. Of course I told all my buddies once I got back to the QRF site about it. I think everyone agreed that it was pretty funny, and no harm would come to the tortoise.

3 weeks later, my buddy comes back to me, and tells me of what he was told in the chow hall by some SF soldiers. He was sitting there eating his chow when he overheard them talking about finding a tortoise with "Joe sh**s here or something like that". My buddy asks them "Did it say, Joe Porter runs sh** around here?" The SF soldier said, "Ya, how did you know?" My buddy responded, "Joe Porter runs sh** around everywhere." He then got up and left to find me and let me know about the encounter.

Now I have furthered this gag on my blog. What’s great is years from now, I’ll probably turn on the Discovery Channel and see a documentary about this running gag, with some academia type posing questions like "Who is this Joe Porter, and what kind of sh** did he run?" So now you know and can keep an eye out for it, or participate. It’s up to you.

For more Phat History check out these articles.

Reminiscing (A Phat History Lesson)

A Phat History Lesson (part 1)

Sunday, July 17, 2005

I Have Some Questions….

There are a few questions that occupy my mind on occasion that I have yet to come to satisfactory answers. I figured that since most of the people that read my blog are smarter than me, I would ask you to see if you could give me a straight answer. So, here are some queries in bullet form.

  • How come you have to be bald, or have a mullet to be a bounty hunter?
  • How come my readers think I’m funny, but my wife thinks I’m silly?
  • Why do people have $5000 rims on a $2000 car?
  • How come the Canadian that visited my home said that the American press was slanted towards Bush?
  • Why can’t liberals tell the difference between "freedom fighters" and terrorists?
  • Why are people still voting for Democrats?
  • How come Evil Glenn and Mrs. Malkin never link me?
  • Why are people reading my articles but not commenting? (I can see from the sight meter that you’re reading. You can’t average over 2 min for a visit and people not read your work.)
  • Where are my shoes? I just saw them a second ago.
  • Why do I like this song more every time I hear it?
  • How is it I’m still a rodent?
  • How often is it appropriate to post about poo?

Alright, I’m depending on you, the reader, to give me closure on some of these pressing conundrums. Leave a comment all you silent masses (all 12 of you).

Friday, July 15, 2005

Time is ...

...something I just don't have at the moment. The house has been invaded by Canadians. O.k. they're my wifes relatives, but none the less they're here. So, maybe I will be able to write something thought provoking later after they head back to their snowy lair. I have to go back to drinking Canadian whiskey now. Will update you later.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Fun With Google and Babes

So my perverted, nearly blind, feeble dad was searching for nudie pics on the internet, when he fell onto this discovery. If you Google "Hot Republican Babes" you'll get this list and end up getting to pictures like these. If you Google "Hot Democrat Babes" you'll get this. That’s right. There seems to be a shortage of hot Democrat babes. If they did have a page, it would look like this. I wonder what would happen if you Google "Hot Dr. Phat Tony"?

Update: Sorry I should have taken a screen shot. Now a comment I made on another blog shows up. Believe me when I say that the initial search came up "No documents found."

Whew I'm Beat...

Sorry about not posting earlier today, I'm on vacation. This means the house is painted, finely. I will be posting some eye candy for you guys later if you stop back by.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Reminiscing Part 2 (A Phat History Lesson)

You thought I forgot that I had to finish this story huh? Well I didn’t I just lost my train of thought.

All right a recap for those who didn’t click the link and read the first part. Me, Expletive Delph and Will were drinking (heavily), I got shot down trying to chat up a Deutcher, more drinking, and…..

So we were still at the bar (me and Will) finishing our beers(?) and being slightly inebriated we didn’t notice that Expletive Delph hasn’t been with us since we entered the bar and he told us he was going to the bathroom. It’s been two hours. Me and Will’s first thoughts were not “I wonder if Delph is o.k.” it was more like “Delph’s beer is warm, let’s split it.” So, after drinking Delph’s beer we did start wondering what had happened to him. I figured that he was probably passed out on the bathroom floor. Will figured that he ditched us to go back to the barracks. Turns out we were both wrong. Me and Will had just gotten up from the bar stool to go and look for him when he came dragging up the stairs. The conversation went something like this.

Me: “Where the f**k have you been?

Expletive Delph: “I was down stairs puking in the potted plant outside the front door.”

Me: “We drank your beer ya lush.”

Expletive Delph: “I’m good now. Lets order another round. Delph is on, baby!”

Will: “We got to go.”

To give some context to Will’s catch phrase, he was the oldest among us, and probably the most intelligent. The intelligent part is documented since he has some unheard of GPA with a BS in chemical engineering. He was the voice of reason on most of our drinking expeditions. It always ended up the same. Me, Delph, or B-Cack would get into some kind of embarrassing trouble and Will would end things by saying “We got to go.” Luckily when he said it this time, it just meant to another bar.

We left the Hard Rock 1 and headed down the street to An Sibin (why does Gaelic sound so much like Arabic) the Irish pub. Delph had gotten to his second wind and me and Will weren’t embarrassingly drunk yet. We all decided to stop and get some drunk food before we stopped into the next bar to completely humiliate ourselves. In Germany there is the best drunk food in the world. It’s called a doner kabab. It’s like a gyro but Turkish people make them (Turkish people are to Germany as Mexican people are to America). The best thing is there was a doner stand right outside the Irish pub. We ordered our doners and Will offers to pay for them, which leaves me and Delph free to eat ours. Being drunk, food tends to go a lot quicker than normal, probably because you don’t waste all that time chewing. Both Delph and I had finished ours before Will came to join us. So, Will is standing there with his doner, hadn’t even taken a bite yet, when Delph walks over to him, looks him in the eye, and smacks the doner right out of his hand, and starts laughing. The doner falls onto the cobble stone street outside of the Irish pub. Will quickly picks it up, curses at Delph, and prepares to get something in his stomach besides the liquid courage we had been drinking all night. This leaves Delph free to find something else to do with his time, while Will finishes up his doner. Now I’m not sure why Delph went for me (I easily out weighed him by 35 lbs and was stronger) but he decided that it was time to show me that he could take me in a fight. What happens is, he tries to tackle me , he only ends up in a headlock, and then he starts telling me (while still in the headlock): “I’ve got you man. I can take you down anytime I want.” (I want to pause here and let everyone know that Delph’s head is a magnet for harm. He was in Germany for a whole 12 hours before his first trip to the hospital with head trauma, ask B-Cack he’ll tell ya) I reply: “Are you stupid?”

Delph: “Nah man. I got you.”

I decided it was time to put an end to his mouth so I simply fell back onto the cobble stone with Delph in the headlock. There was a loud “knock” and when we got up of the ground, blood was coming out from between Delph’s fingers as he held his forehead. So now the Germans walking down the street are giving us a wide birth, Delph is bleeding, and Will ends the night with “We got to go.”

A Phat History Lesson (Part 1)
A Phat History Lesson (Part 2)
A Phat History Lesson (Part 3)
A Phat History Lesson (Part 4)
A Phat History Lesson (Part 5)

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

I Got Tagged…

Alright this is the first one that I’ll do (got tagged earlier but haven’t posted answers yet). I was asked “What 10 events would you care to witness if you could travel in time to observe them?” “To observe them” is the key here; taking part in them would have me create a whole new list. So as an observer only (an impervious one at that), here are my answers in bullet form.

  • A-bomb testings out in the desert. (explosions are cool)
  • Signing of the Declaration of Independence. ( how much money would a Polaroid of that be worth on Ebay)
  • The shot heard ‘round the world. (lot of speculation on who fired the first shot of the revolution)
  • Any death match between gladiators at the coliseum. (“So, tell me Timmy do you like gladiator movies?”)
  • Adam and Eve eating the forbidden fruit. (damn women always wanting more than they have)
  • All three of the Gatti vs. Ward fights. (if you watch boxing, you’ll know what I mean)
  • Expletive Delph hitting his patrol cap up in the air while telling a Ranger Instructor to “Suck a d**k!” (probably the funniest thing I’ve seen in my life, ask B-Cack, he was there)
  • The creation of existence. (o.k. that one is reaching a bit, we’re down at the end of the list and I’m running out of ideas)
  • The space craft crashing at Roswell. (you know it happened, it’s all a conspiracy by the government, Karl Rove, Karl Rove, yeaaarghh!!)
  • The last one…finally. Next weeks PowerBall drawing. (No one ever said which direction I could travel in time)

Hat tip to Wyatt Earp, he forced me to write a post and spend more than 3 seconds thinking about what I wanted to write.

Evil Glenn’s Masterpiece of Literature

A filthy lie

As you all know, Evil Glenn is the pol-pot of puppy blending, the premiere of penguin philandering, and a kung fu master of hobo killing, but did you know that he is soon to expand his evil ways to print. This of course raises alot of speculation from the blogdodecahedron, as to who would by a book about blending puppies, mating penguins, and killing hobos, besides his evil minions.
Through meticulous searches through Evil Glenn compound disguised as one of his Rocky Top Brigade bloggers. (basically I wore a UT shirt) I found that Evil Glenn is actually writing a how to book. “How to Create the Most Hit Blog Using Three Phrases” will be the name of the book. Yes, you guessed it. It will contain articles from other bloggers on how to create a blog and give tips to increase traffic, with his obligatory hmmm, heh , or indeed after each section making it seem as if he has an understanding or insight on the whole matter. It will probably make millions and send people scrambling to each site in the book raising their hits to an unimaginable number. These sites will, of course, give free advertising to the book that sent them hits and send Evil Glenn’s book to the top of the best sellers list. It is a scheme so evil that only Evil Glenn could implement it.

Monday, July 11, 2005

What Kind of Heat Does a Wookie Pack?


I truly wish that I could make the claim of having thought of this topic myself, but I did not. I only know that I have spent many hours in debate about this subject. So, the eternal question is: What kind of piece does a wookie have? Is it like that of a human, or does it more closely resemble that of a dog? Both sides can be argued with great passion, and I find myself stuck somewhere in the middle. On one hand, he walks upright, and has the extended use of his arms just like a man... so one would tend to think that he would lean that way. On the other hand, he is covered in thick, nasty a$$ matted hair just like Rover, so maybe his meat whistle is covered in a sheath... and if so, would it look just like red lipstick? I truly don't know... and I throw this question out there to anyone who stumbles across this blog. If you have any feedback or insights, please drop a line in the comment section. I will be sure to give the information careful consideration as I build the evidence up in this case.

B-Cack

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Reasons to Join the Canadian Army

So I stirred up a hornets nest over at Jimmyb’s. All was going well until an officer in the Canadian Army decides to call me lazy and a coward for not re-enlisting. I know; I am as surprised as you are. There’s a Canadian Army? Apparently so. After he made quite a few personal attacks against yours truly, I decided to just let him run on at the mouth. He had already said that troops were targeting civilians, so arguing with that kind of moon-battery would have been an exercise in futility. I do want to thank him though, ‘cause he gave me a great idea for a post. I started thinking; "Why would anybody join the Canadian Army?" So, I did an informal poll asking everybody I could think of (who had ever drank a Canadian beer), "Why would anyone join the Canadian Army?" These are the most common answers in bullet form:

  • It’s like joining the American Army lite. All the uniforms and bullets, but with less real fighting.
  • If you are going to be un-intimidating, you might as well join the Canadian army and get paid to be un-intimidating.
  • It’s easy to be in the Canadian army there is only three things to protect: prescription drugs, socialism, and the virtue of the prostitutes in Montreal.
  • Since the NHL has been on strike there has been no reason to riot. ‘Figured why not join up, maybe they would let me break something for no reason, ay.
  • It’s better than joining the French army, ‘cause you got some place to run to after dropping your weapon.
  • Go off, see the world, just anything besides sitting on the American border.
  • Have been wanting to go out and spread our quirky accent. That’s what Canada is all aboot.

Feel free to add any that you have heard. I could only find 7 people that have ever tried Canadian beer. Hat tip to Pitt for the great idea.

Friday, July 08, 2005

Are Monkeys Smarter Than the Old Farts at AARP?

I was privileged to see a cutting edge report from Free Star Media. They demonstrate how much better a monkey is at choosing a retirement plan than the socialists over at AARP. It’s a large file and might take a little while to download but well worth it. In the end it’s fun to laugh at the old people trembling in fear at the thought of their Social(ism) Security being changed.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

What do Terrorists Want?

O.k. so you’ve probably been bombarded by opinions and hard news about the bombings in London earlier this week, but I wanted to throw my two cents in. First and foremost, my sincerest condolences to the victims and their families, justice will be served to the cowards that caused your loss.

O.k. so the big question; why do terrorists attack us and our allies? The answer is too simple. They are quite stupid and probably aren’t human. Let me explain. Has a terrorist attack against America accomplished what the terrorists wanted? After 9/11 did America crumble? Has our resolve diminished (excluding democrats) when they blow themselves up to hurt our troops and/or Iraq(u)is? Has this last bomb detonated, done anything but piss off the British? The answer is no. The terrorist don’t seem to get that messing with America, or any other country, only brings more fire power and righteous vengeance to the areas they want us out of. You know how terrorists can get us out of Iraq(u) and Afghanistan? That one is easy. Don’t blow anything up for 7 months and watch how fast our people demand to bring back our troops. Watch how fast our troops want to come back home. Blowing things up only prove that terrorist have no sense and should be hunted down and killed. It seems they only want to fight. They don’t care whether they win or lose, and if that is the case the only way to defeat them is to eradicate them. How can you reason with people that seem not to care about the outcome of their actions? Yes, I know that Spain withdrew its troops from Iraq(u), but that is not anything to be proud of. They only had a few hundred there anyway. So far it’s been a scoreless game for the terrorists.

A better question is to ask, what are the terrorist’s goals? This is a tough one. It seems that they don’t really want us out of Iraq(u) or Afghanistan. If that was their goal they wouldn’t start crap with countries that would invade them. They don’t want to spread Islam. If they wanted that they wouldn’t have suicide bombers. Maybe the virgins in heaven is appealing to some, I’m thinking that blowing myself up to get some action is a tad bit extreme. Maybe they’re just lashing out because they are sexually frustrated, that would explain the virgin thing. I guess in the end they are just not human. That would be my best guess. To kill for no apparent reason or goal in mind is inhuman. So, damn being humane to them. I think most people are tired of being pushed around by a bunch of militant Islamics. I guess they’ll get what they wanted, a nock down, drag out war, where surrender is not an option. Since they’re not human by my standards, I won’t feel bad about destroying the lot of them.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

A Little Help Please...

Today is the deadline for the Carnival of Comedy. Please let me know what I should submit. Just leave a comment telling me which quality post should go. Thanks for the help.

Minority Report (7/6/2005)

I’m sick today so I’m relinquishing my blog to the ever popular Al’ Shabaz X and Gangsta Petey for another Minority Report.

Gangsta Petey: Back in da hizzy, gonna make thangs krunk up in here for yo hump day.

Al’ Shabaz X: Translation for the more educated: We’re here again to show the bigotry against the black man on this white devil’s blog.

Gangsta Petey: Whateva yo. To start off, dey having a G8 party over dere in Ireland, and the strange thang is, I can’t seem to find my invite. Everybody knows what a true "G" I am. Den dey got dese dirty white folks messing with the 5"O" and sh**. You know dat sh** wouldn’t play over here yo, ‘cause our ‘pol ‘pol would peel caps and drop bodies.

Al’ Shabaz X: You’re so ignorant. The real story is that the have a bunch of white devils trying to decide how to save Africa. Africans have been living in glory since dirty white people have been living in caves. More racist news; Phillip Grant, a homeless black man, was arrested for stabbing a blonde haired, blue eyed, white woman to death for being white. They plan to charge him with a hate crime to increase the length of the sentence. How racist is that charging a black man with a hate crime? Of course he hates white people. The black man has been oppressed and lives in poverty because of the racist white government’s economic model. I say that it isn’t hate, its justified rage.

Gangsta Petey: I say, what a waste of a perfectly good white woman. Hey all you white woman out there looking for some protection, just holla and Gangsta Petey will be right dere. I’m a true pimp and won’t let no john smack you around, ya feel me? Back to the news. The prez is set to appoint one of dose judge types to the big court. My peeps in DC say it’s gonna be a Mexican.

Al’ Shabaz X: That would be another racist move by the white devil President. If there were anyone more racist than the white man, it would be the Mexican. After El’ Presedente Fox said that Mexicans do the jobs that black people don’t want and then released stamps portraying a black face racist stereotype, he has made my white devil list. I say we release our own stamps with Speedy Gonzales, a whole bunch of Mexicans at the home depot, or a guy in a sombrero selling oranges on the highway on them. That’ll show those Mexicans.

Gangsta Petey: Bwuhhahahaha. You seen dose stamps yo? Dat sh** right dere is some funny sh**.

Al’ Shabaz X: You know Petey, you’re going to die young if you don’t change your ways.

Gangsta Petey: Ya know Francis (haha ya didn’t think I knew ya real name huh?) you gonna die without ever getting layed if you don’t drop that militant sh**. That’s it for this news sh**. Time to roll out. Peace!

Minority Report (6/25/2005)

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

FrankJ’s Hidden Agenda

A filthy lie

After the success of the mission to observe Evil Glenn, I now had to send my Long Range Surveillance team to Florida to confirm or deny a rumor I had heard about the creator of IMAO. What they have brought back is more than shocking; it is video proof of the madness of FrankJ.
I suppose that it was my fault in the end by releasing my slightly French looking, sword swinging, and cat riding monkeys to intimidate FrankJ to link me on his blog. But what FrankJ is doing here defies all laws of nature and has gone beyond blending puppies for nourishment. He is training monkeys in the art of kung-fu. You wouldn’t believe it if I told you, so that is why I’m providing video proof. Notice as he has the great white ninja, Fillet Sho, teaching this lower primate the art of kung-fu. I know what you are saying, “But aren’t ninjas Japanese and kung-fu Chinese?”
Well that’s how much of an evil genius FrankJ is. FrankJ must be stopped before his army of ninja monkeys is complete. FrankJ, as God as my witness you will rue the day you taught a chimp to judo chop.

Sunday, July 03, 2005

To the Families of the Fallen

I feel how weak and fruitless must be any words of mine which should attempt to beguile you from the grief of a loss so overwhelming. But I cannot refrain from tendering to you the consolation that may be found in the thanks of the Republic they died to save. I pray that our heavenly Father may assuage the anguish of your bereavement, and leave you only the cherished memory of the loved and lost, and the solemn pride that must be yours to have laid so costly a sacrifice upon the altar of freedom. ....Abraham Lincoln

God bless our troops, let their mission not be in vain. Amen
Happy 4th, now go thank a soldier.

Friday, July 01, 2005

Evil Glenn’s 4th Celebration (furry animals beware)

A Filthy Lie



Up in the foothills of the Appalachians lurks pure Independence Day horror. My crack Long Range Surveillance team has brought back disturbing information of the Evil Glenn’s celebration plans. It has been discovered that the puppies are being prepped for the grill and the cat steaks have been bought.









After Evil Glenn satisfies his blood thirst then it’s on to the Puppy Rockets. There is a special place in hell for some one that would do this, God have mercy on your soul Evil Glenn, for the Alliance will have none.

Initiation Time…”Ban the Dan”

My blog is a few weeks old now, and I’ve accomplished one of my goals already. Good news is, that I made enough money to get the postage stamp to send my cable bill. The bad news is, it was because Pay-Pal deposited 48 cents to confirm my bank account. It’s time for me to start doing some serious blogging though. I’ve already made fun of hippy protestors, ridiculed a left wing moon-bat, been linked on a larger website, and entered a carnival. Now it’s time for me to up the ante and be a part of the downfall of a reporter and/or politician. I don’t think I can be called a true blogger until I make a reporter and/or politician apologize or resign.
The target is Dan Satterfield the local weather guy. (O.k. so I’m starting small. I’ve only been blogging a few weeks anyway. What, did you think I could take down a prime time nationally syndicated reporter down?) This is also where my illustrious 11 (the new name for my readers) come in. Help me choose the best way to make this weather man resign and /or apologize. Here are some methods that I could use, in bullet form.

• The Truth: I’ve actually witnessed Disaster Dan give his own tornado warning for a county that was not on the National Weather Service list. He said that with the amount of experience that he had, he could issue this warning, because he couldn’t figure out why the National Weather Service hadn’t. I’m thinking possibly because that county was not in danger of having a tornado. He still told all the poor people to get out of their mobil homes and go lay in a ditch to avoid injury.
• Filthy Lies: I could also just start filthy lies, and see if those would be enough to knock him down a notch or two. For example; Disaster Dan sells children to rich Arab oil tycoons.
• Harmless Quotes: Another possibility would be to take something that he said, and twist and turn it till he has to apologize for the way we understood it. For instance; “The laws of time and space according to Isaac Newton were wrong!” I think he trying to say that Sir Isaac Newton is a dummy and that physics student, professors, and graduates are idiots for believing such nonsense.

Well, its time for you to set me straight on how I should proceed. I want desperately to make my blog ligitimate and taking down a person in the public view seems to be the next logical step. Use the comment section to give me advice. “Ban the Dan” has begun.