Editorial From B-Cack

Papa Tango and DPT Readers,

I am glad to see that some people still care if I am alive or not! Sorry it has been a long time since our last communiqué, I have been truly busy. Not deployed yet… not sure if I ever will… that is another story though. SO……… I have been doing a lot of ranting lately and I figure whet better place to purge my hot air than your website. As you well know, illegal immigration is one of the top problems facing the nation today. As a resident of a southwestern state, I feel that I am somewhat of a resident expert on the matter. Many people feel that a wall of enormous proportions is the answer…. Although a good idea, I think it is only going to slow down a few people, not stop the many, many that illegally enter this country. What I propose, and this will be my election platform, is that we annex Mexico and make it the 51st state. Ok, think about it. Did it sink in yet, ok, they have a great coastline, great agricultural resources, (yet, the land can be used to grow regular crops too, not just marijuana and coca) natural gas, and oil… the list goes on and on. So, we get rid of the Fox, make it a new state and “poof” most of our problems are solved.

NOW… the wall idea comes in handy, you see now we have less area to cover, just build the wall farther south so it keeps out the “rest” of the immigrants, you betcha, the folks from Belize and Guatemala. So, now you have Old Mexico below New Mexico, and what have you lost? Lets see, a whole fuc*load of people who use our system, (if you don’t believe me, look how they made California go bankrupt.) we can just go ahead and get better schools started, teach most of them English so I can find my way around a Home Depot or a Lowe’s, also we would be able to Tax the shit out of all of the working people, of whom there are a lot. ( Before you label me a racist, I just want to say that I don’t think I know of a harder working, more honest person than some of the migrant workers I have met.) I am an asshole, but not a racist. So hear me out. Ok, so we have this new state paying taxes, learning English and have successfully erected a wall against the rest of South America. I have enclosed a map of my proposal, give me some feedback, perhaps I can think of a new state motto in the meantime. In New Mexico our motto is “Land of Enchantment” perhaps this Old Mexico will hail “Land of Manana” or something similar. B-Cack

Another Strike Not in the News

After hearing all the news about the transportation strike in New York, I began to ponder why another strike hasn’t made the national news scene. Since Nov. 2nd, there has been a machinist strike at Boeing. Of course local press has been covering it since it directly involves North Alabama, but all the implications of the strike haven’t been covered.

The reason for the strike is the union is not satisfied with the final contract that Boeing has offered. It’s seems to be the usual. They’re not happy with the increase in the cost of health care and cuts in retirement. Old song equals old results. So the union has been on the picket line since Nov. 2nd. It’s been almost two months now so what is taking so long. Well there are some underlying circumstances that haven’t been linked together.

One: Right now Boeing and Lockheed are looking for approval for a merge, which would consolidate two of the largest manufacturers of launch vehicles. Both companies are looking for this to happen. Lockheed would build a rocket with Boeing under the name of United Launch Alliance and still be able to build their Atlas V for the government to purchase. Boeing has made a deal with Lockheed for them to drop their multi-million dollar lawsuit that was filled because of the theft of documents if the merge was successful. It would also help them corner the market in launch vehicles by being able to underbid its competitors and then draw the subsidies they have been drawing since the EELV’s inception.

Two: There is another company that is now treading on Lockheed and Boeing’s turf. A company called SpaceX is now in the works of launching their first satellite for the military (not part of the EELV program), but at a third of the cost of Boeing. If SpaceX’s launch is successful the Military would have a money saving alternative to Lockheed or Boeing. SpaceX is also filling an anti-trust suit against this merge.

Three: The race against time here is truly spellbinding. If the merge is allowed, Boeing will have to negotiate to put their workers back in the plant before SpaceX has a successful launch. If the merge is denied would there be a reason for Boeing (or Lockheed) to keep building launch vehicles if they couldn’t get the vehicle cost down to a third of what it is now? Is the Union shooting itself in the foot with their demands, or using Boeing predicament to give them advantage at the negotiation table?

The other big question is why hasn’t the press been covering this? The press is the liberal propaganda machine and Boeing is a large corporation that is part of the war machine. I would figure that a strike would make good news. Even in the local paper when they report about the strike they don’t say anything negative about Boeing. Then I realized that whenever a lib starts talking about large mean corporations, Boeing is never mentioned. They always say Halliburton or some large oil company. Is it because that, despite being a DOD contractor, Boeing is a fairly liberal company?

Update: Insolublog, showed me this link where the Machinist & Aerospace workers have contributed alot of money to the Democrats. This might explain the lack of coverage, but then Boeing has actually contributed more (soft money) to Republicans than to Democrats. A small amount more, but more none the less. I would figure this would make Boeing a target of bad press.

Maybe one of my readers can shed some light on these questions. There is lots of room for conspiracies and rumors.

Aurthur’s note: Most of regular readers are probably shaking their heads saying “Phat Tony doing real reporting? What the hell is the world coming to?”

Linkage to Basil's picnic

3…2…1…1

Well Christmas is over (not a moment too soon) and now New Years is upon the Phat Tony household. Besides having to say “one” twice and kill the tempo of saying “Happy New Years”, me and the spouse are going to be doing things a little bit different this New Years Eve.

Let me give you some background. My wife is not from around here. She grew up in Poland. I met her in Germany while I was serving. We fell in love, got married and moved to Alabama. Normally, on New Years Eve, we go to a party thrown by one of the many Polish immigrants here in town. It’s good for my wife since she enjoys the opportunity to speak her first language. It’s not as much fun for me, because no one wants to speak to me, since I don’t speak Polish. I end up standing around warming pivo until Mukrz can break away from who ever has him locked in conversation. Mukrz happens to be fluent in Polish, where I only know enough to curse and get a beer.

It’s a recycled party. Every year the same people go and probably talk about the same things. I do my normal schtick, and try to make myself scarce to avoid the ever popular, but awkward, conversation that goes like this. (My apologies to my wife for misspelling every Polish word)
“Dzien dobry. Czy mówisz po Polski? ”
“Hello. No, I don’t speak Polish”
“Oh, uhh..How are you?”
“I’m good, and you?”
“uhh good, uhh…”
And off they go to speak some one else.

The only thing that I do look forward to is my small broken English conversations with one older lady that goes outside to smoke with me. She’s hilarious, despite the fact I can only understand 25% of what she’s saying.

So anyway, this year I think me and the wife are staying at home. I'll get liquored up by myself and save time by not having to explain to everyone that I don’t speak Polish. I’ll probably make some drunken phone calls. I’ll probably receive a few of them. (That’s what great about having friends that live 7 hours ahead of you. You get the drunken phone calls at a decent time.) Maybe I’ll do some drunk blogging, or just pass out and forget all about it. Whatever me and the wife decide to do, I’m sure I won’t be asked if I speak Polish.

Pop Answers

First I would like to say thanks to my son for letting me take some time to answer questions. I’ve known him for about 28 years now and I’m glad that he amounted to something. Even if that something is a faux doctor online.

To answer Contagion’s question; Phat made himself a doctor through a rigorous application process sent to him by Sally Struthers. I remember the first time he started calling himself a doctor, I asked him, “Don’t you think that’s false advertisement?” That reminds me of the time I heard a car advertisement back in the late 70’s. I think they said that you could own a new car for $500 dollars, but when I went to get one they started adding a lot of charges for what they considered extras; like car seats, seatbelts, and a steering wheel. Did I ever tell you guys that I was also in the Army? I was. I spent some time in Korea drinking soju and eating kemchi. Those where the days, but not as good as the days when I was stationed in Key West. I loved Key West. We always had a freezer full of lobster and I could go scuba diving any time I wanted. I once was attacked by an octopus. Scared the crap out of me. Of course this was all before Key West turned into a homosexual paradise. See what happens when the military pack up and leave. There was a Navy base there but I think after it closed down, that’s when all the queers showed up. Speaking of the Navy; being an Army soldier stationed on a Navy base was tough especially during the Army Navy football game. Army would always lose but that really didn’t help comfort those squids when they packed up and left their family for a 6-month ocean cruise. I was also stationed at an Airforce base in Germany. The best place to be stationed at is an Airforce base. They know how to treat their soldiers. The nicest barracks and base housing. I tried to convince Phat to join the Airforce but noooo….he wanted to jump out of planes and shoot people. And you guys ask him questions…phhht. Living in Germany was nice. I always liked to go to the Christmas Markt and drink some glue wine. Did you know that I’ve been playing Santa for my grandchildren for a couple of years now. It’s always nice to know you can fool some kids with just a red suit. I don't need the fake beard. I haven’t shaved since 1981. The beard has come in useful a couple of times though. I think I've been getting the senior discount since I was 40. Back when I was 40 life was a lot different. I had to take care of my kids, and now I have to take care of my kid’s kids, or something along those lines. Did you guys know I have 6 grandchildren? I can’t name them all for you right now but I’m pretty sure Sleepy, Grumpy, and Sleazy is three of them. I remember the first time I went to Disney World. It was the first year that they were open. All they had was “It’s a small world’ and the one where all the presidents say something about something. Come to think of it, Disney World wasn’t all that great. Speaking of “not great” I’d have to say that having dial up at my home was even worse than Disney World. I’m so glad that my wife allowed me to get DSL. It makes surfing for boobies that much better. Have I told you how much I like boobies. My favorite t.v. personality was that Elvira lady. She had some nice boobies. I remember one time I let Phat stay up and watch that show. They were playing Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. I never really had any luck growing tomatoes. I did have some peach trees that would give peaches ever-other year at my old home. My daughter once cooked some peach cobbler but then didn’t clean up the oven after. She had spilled some of that sweet syrupy stuff onto the bottom of the oven. When I went to cook a frozen pizza it burst into flame. Of course, that wasn’t the first time the oven burst into flame. One day when Phat was young he turned on the wrong eye and melted a pot that was sitting on the stove. Too bad the cat wasn’t in it. My son and my daughters begged to take this cat home and he’s still sitting in that house being as mean and temperamental as ever. As a matter of fact, Phat told his wife to pretend to have allergies so I couldn’t give it back to him when he came back from over seas. Oh look at the time. I got to stop. Matlock is on.

So I’m a Slacker

Alright, so I’m a slacker. Deal with it. I had a million of things to do over the weekend and most of it had to do with trying not to leave the house or do anything that might be considered work. Yesterday was the best day. I didn’t leave the house once.

To update everyone; Contagion is the winner. He made with the links and took some free swag. Here is a screen shot of his link madness.


I’m going to be posting Pop’s answers probably around 2:00 central so come back and check it out.

I hope everyone had a good Christmas and got everything that you wanted. I’m pretty sure the sanity I ordered is in the mail. I’m glad Christmas is over. Now all I have to do is survive New Years. My plan is to drink heavy and pass out, so I don’t have to sing Auld Lang Syne.

I’ll be back later.

Pop Quiz

I know all of you have already viewed my page and said to yourself "Phat Tony is a slacker for not posting today!" Well screw you guys I had to do some Christmas shopping. Anyway, today everyone can ask my dad, Pop, any question they would like. I promised I would let him out of the old folks prison retirement home and let him play on the computer. I'll do my best to keep him focused on the questions and away from the internet porn. Ask away in the comments section.

Wednesday Updates

It’s a completely humorless Wednesday. I guess I’ll use this time to let you know what’s going on.

I’ve added a few people to my blogroll. That thing is getting pretty long. Over the Christmas weekend I might look at using a different template for my blog.

I’ve added Life in Iraq. The writer sent me an email and requested a place on my blogroll. He’s back from Iraq and is now putting his journal online for everyone to read. It makes for interesting reading.

Of course Ssssteve has also been added. How could I not add Steve?

The MilBlog award is still out of reach. I don’t think I can overcome the competition now. If you haven’t voted; go do it. I might not win but it would be nice to see my votes move.


The contest is heated. Miasmatic Review and What Panda are going fist to cuff. It’s great to watch. I’ve been reading some of my old posts. Man, I used to be a funny guy.

Also one of my commentors wanted to advertise a book he wrote. So here is the ad for everyone to go check out.

Lastly, for sh**s and giggles, here is what happens when you forget about the 7 “p”s.

A Phat Army Phrase Reference Guide

I figured that some of you may need to brush up on your Army lingo, so I put together a short reference guide for you so you’ll be able to understand the nuances of soldier talk.

A$$ (Smells like a$$): A$$ can also be replaced by “gay sex”. This phrase is used to describe a not so pleasant smell, usually said by the soldier that takes a shower before anyone else after a field problem. Example: Crack a window, it smells like a$$ (gay sex) in here.

Blue Falcon: A term used to describe a soldier that screws over his buddy. Can also use Bravo Foxtrot or Buddy F**ker. Example: I can’t believe they gave that Blue Falcon an Army Achievement Medal.

Carrying Handle: Carrying handle is the handle that is placed on top of the weapon. This is not to be used to carry any weapon. The title carrying handle is only a description of what the piece on the weapon could be used for. Example: Hey let go of that carrying handle! That weapon isn’t made by Samsonite.

Divorce: This is what half of the married soldiers do after deployment.

E & E: Stands for Evade and Escape, but is actually a way to get a good nap during training.

Foxhole: Something that you should never share with anyone braver than you.

Go-Fasters: A replacement for the Army’s standard issue glasses (birth control devices). Go-Fasters are often seen on sight impaired airborne soldiers.

HeloCast: What my platoon wasn’t allowed to do because the UH-60 pilots were a bunch of sissies. A helicopter flies over a body of water at a slow speed and soldiers jump out into the water. The pilots with us said they weren’t trained on it. I guess flying at a constant speed and altitude is only for advanced pilots.

Infantry: Also known as bullet stoppers, grunts, or ambush finders. Soldiers who either scored low on their ASVAB or scored high on their ASVAB but wanted to kill people.

Jody: Jody is a name that is given to the guy that is screwing your woman while you’re on deployment. A Jody letter would be the letter sent to a soldier by their girlfriend letting them know they’ve found someone else.

K-Rats: Cooks in the Army don’t actually cook anything in the field. They are nice enough to come out and heat up K-Rats, which is just large portions of shelf stable food.
Yum! Nothing like rehydrated ages and year old ham slice.

Low Drag: A description of a soldier that does his job well. Example: Spc Tony is high speed; low drag.

Marriage: What half of the single soldiers do after deployment.

Night Out: Drinking, womanizing, and fighting.

O’ Dark Thirty: Also known as the Butt Crack of Dawn. Pretty fricken early in the morning if guys that normally wake up at 0530 think it’s early.

PMCS: The most dreaded thing to do on a Monday morning. Requires one soldier to lay under a HMMWV looking for spots of oil. The main goal of PMCS is to find enough problems with your vehicle that you can deadline it and not have to drive it anymore.

Quickie: Since most Army schools make you stay in the barracks and away from your spouse or girlfriend; a quickie is what your wife or girlfriend should be bringing you on family day.

Recon Platoon: Ambush and minefield finders.

Sh1t Bag: A title given to a worthless soldier. Often the soldier is on a medical profile (a letter from a doctor prohibiting some physical activities). If the soldier is on a medical profile they move from being a Sh1t Bag to a Profile Ranger.

T-10 Parachute: A standard parachute given to line infantry to descend on a battle field. Despite the line of BS they try to give you in airborne school there is know way to control the direction of your descent.

UH-60: Used for insertions and extractions. It’s also the best thing to see after a mission.

VD: Often soldiers don’t listen to the safety briefing on Fridays. The soldiers that don’t head the warning “If you dip it; wrap it” end up with VD. VD Drive is the main strip in Columbus GA.

Whiskey: The phonetic pronunciation of the letter “W”, also the reason for a lot of Sergeant Major’s forced retirements.

X-Ray: The phonetic pronunciation of the Letter “X”, also the reason that most infantry soldiers knees and ankles register on a gigacounter.

“Y”: An almost unanswerable question in the Army.

Zero Tolerance: The new Army slogan used to take money and rank away from killers doing the things that you would expect from soldiers.

Age of “Not My Responsibility”

Every once in a while you see something that might be considered poor taste. I’m thinking that of all the things that you should be sending E-Cards for, letting some one you slept with know that you gave them an STD would be the last on the list. I think it’s poor taste to break up with a person over the telephone, so sending an email to let someone know that the burning sensation that they feel is because of you, is lower than pond scum.

I do understand the mentality of someone who would send an E-Card like this though. They didn’t have enough responsibility to wrap it, why would they take the responsibility to tell someone face to face that they screwed them for the rest of their life. I’m thinking this might start a trend of other E-Cards for some other events that would take character, courage and backbone to tell people.

How about:

DOD can send out E-Cards letting families know that their soldier died. “He fought as a soldier and died a hero. Have a good day.”

Doctors can send out the “I hope your having a good day, because they’re numbered. You only have 3 months to live.” E-Cards.

Another good one would be, “Hey stud, you knocked me up.” E-Card.

Perhaps the “Hope you saved your receipts, we’re coming to visit” E-Card from the IRS would brighten up the way to tell you you’re being audited.

Is there anyone left that has an ounce of sanity that thinks these E-Cards are just plain sickening?

Update: To clarify, I’m all for people notifying someone of the potential of spreading a disease. I think that the over all cheerfulness of these E-Cards is what’s sickening (that and the fact that they’re necessary in the first place). I would prefer the Health Department send a letter instead of any type of email. One if the person is sent this notification to their work email address it could be monitored. Same with a private email address if they open it at work. Two, it would save time on the amount of pranks being played if a letter from the Health Department was sent instead of an anonymous email.

All Your Weekend Are Belong to Us

Hey everyone, I’m blogging on the weekend. Yay! Not doing anything all that great though. I’m just going to run through a couple of internet legends that most of you probably know.

First is the great "All your base are belong to us. Somebody set us up the bomb." Heh.

Next is the infamous Leeroy Jenkins. Crazy huh? Play world of war craft and end up being a answer on Jeopardy.

My favorite StarWars parody. I honestly laugh until I cry watching this thing. It’s too awesome for words.

Making fun of D&D people is also a lot of fun. But if making fun of them doesn’t do it for you, just watch them in action.

Satire?

You guys have to help me out. I’m not sure whether this site is satire or not. Let me point you to two quotes.
“That guy who wrote Animal Farm (Jim Belushi I think) wqas earily prophetic when he said Big Brother is Watching You!!”

Now John Belushi was in Animal House and the quote Big brother is watching you is in a book called “1984” by George Orwell who also wrote “Animal Farm”.

The next quote is “Get that? Free Speach? (new concept?)
So be warned that if yuo try to squash our dissent hear youre comments will be deleted”
Free speech is only guaranteed for “like minded progressives like myself”.

All the misspellings and poor grammar are his. I still can’t tell if this guy is for real or not. If he his being serious than it’s hilarious. If he’s making a satire of a liberal site than it’s still funny. What do you guys think?

Update: I'm now leaning towards the satire for a few reasons, but I don't really want to spoil the joke. This might become one of my favorite places to go look around. I'm not sure what is funnier; the left wing kooks that agree and expand on the posts or the right wingers who actually try to debate him. Heh.

Christmas Poem

I’m not sure who wrote this, but it is such a wonderful poem I’ll post it and hope that someone can tell me the source so I can credit them.

A DIFFERENT CHRISTMAS POEM

The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,
I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.
My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.
Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight.
The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.
My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.
In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,
So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.
The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,
But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.
Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know,
Then the sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.
My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
And I crept to the door just to see who was near.
Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.
A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,
Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.
"What are you doing?" I asked without fear,
"Come in this moment, it's freezing out here!
Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,
You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!"
For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts..
To the window that danced with a warm fire's light
Then he sighed and he said "Its really all right,
I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night."
"It's my duty to stand at the front of the line,
That separates you from the darkest of times.
No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me.
My Gramps died at 'Pearl on a day in December,"
Then he sighed, "That's a Christmas 'Gram always remembers."
My dad stood his watch in the jungles of 'Nam',
And now it is my turn and so, here I am.
I've not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile.
Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
The red, white, and blue... an American flag.
"I can live through the cold and the being alone,
Away from my family, my house and my home.
I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat.
I can carry the weight of killing another,
Or lay down my life with my sister and brother..
Who stand at the front against any and all,
To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall."
"So go back inside," he said, "harbor no fright,
Your family is waiting and I'll be all right."
"But isn't there something I can do, at the least,
"Give you money," I asked, "or prepare you a feast?
It seems all too little for all that you've done,
For being away from your wife and your son."
Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,
"Just tell us you love us, and never forget.
To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone,
To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
For when we come home, either standing or dead,
To know you remember we fought and we bled.
Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us.


WE ALL NEED TO PRAY FOR OUR MILITARY PERSONNEL EVERY NIGHT!

Family Secret

Peakah was quite disappointed that he might have a relative that is a certified pot smoking smelly hippy. All I can say Peak is that it could have been worse. You could have googled your name and found this movie clip from West Virginia Public Television.

It sort of like a car accident. You shouldn’t watch but you just can’t keep from staring.

Local News

Alright time for me to tell you what’s going on locally, and when I say locally I mean just in reference to this blog.

The contest is still in full swing. Right now What Panda is winning but there is still time. Remember I’m going off what TTLB is saying the link count is. That means that the links have to remain on the page long enough for TTLB to read it. I think it goes through your blog once a week.

I want to give out another t-shirt though. So this might be another way to win some free swag for one of you. I’m not artistically inclined in the least. I am willing to give out free swag to anyone that can come up with a good logo for Dr. Phat Tony’s blog. All of you that have some graphic design aptitude send me an email with a unique logo design in jpg form and whoever submits the best one will get some free swag.

Even more locally, I received my first Christmas present yesterday. My wife ordered me this and it has arrived. I’m still waiting for the tuner and stand but at least I know that the guitar is in good shape.

No, I can’t afford a Gibson, but this Epiphone AJ200S will work just fine.

Let’s Get Personal

Alright you asked, I answered. That’s how it works most of the time. You didn’t get too personal which is fine cause I didn’t get too funny. Maybe later today the muse will strike me and I’ll have something great to post. For now, I hope this will tied you over.

Peakah asks “ I'd like to know exactly how you'd fend off a knife attack by your ninja wife? “

DPT: The best defense (Married guys repeat after me) “You’re right; I’m wrong; I’m sorry. What’s even worse than a ninja knife attack is a Gaijen cry about nothing attack though. There is no effective defense, prepare yourself for a guilt trip.

The Conservative UAW Guy asks “Tell us about your favorite gun that you own.
If you don't own one, go buy one and tell us about it!”

DPT: The only fire arm (I’m sure you don’t mean gun) that I own is a Nerf Maverick. Six shots of 9mm suction cup tip foam fury. I’m a crack shot too. Honestly I won’t buy a fire arm until I can afford the one I want. (it takes a while to load when you click play, but it's worth it. Yay gun Pron)

Anonymous asks “Let's discuss tracked vehicles, tanks, bulldozers, whatever. When a section of track(A) comes in contact with a piece of ground(B) it stays there until the vehicle rolls by and rolls it back up perpetually. That being said, if a tank is moving at 20 mph and A comes in contact with B and stays there does that mean that the rest of the sections of track are moving at 40mph to make up for A not moving?

DPT: This sounds a lot like the “A record is spinning on a record player. The inside of the record is spinning at the same RPM as the outside. Does this mean that because the outside has more distance to cover, then it’s moving faster than the inside?” type question. Please refer all physics, math and science questions to Insolublog, as he is the next Mr. Wizard.

Fiar asks “Shouldn't you change the name of the site to Megabrad Phat Tony's or something? What's the best place to bury a dirty hippie so that the police will never find the body?”

DPT: Fiar I didn’t see you respond to my call for help. The best place to hide a dead hippy would definitely be in a ditch in Texas. People would think the hippy was sleeping or too stoned to stand, the smell would not be anymore noticeable than live hippies, and they are used to seeing hippies in ditches in Texas.

a4g asks “What is most essential to the Dr. Phat Tony lifestyle? Is it the Doctorness? Or that Phatness? “

DPT: Since the Doctorness was given to me by Sally Struthers through a t.v. offer, I’m going to go with the Phatness. It was given to me by soldiers that I trusted enough to walk behind me with loaded weapons.

MEGABRAD asks “Perfect timing for this, cause I got a question.

All the official Dr. Phat Tony swag shirts are white. I am a man who eats like a slob. I slop whatever I eat all over my shirts. I am a pig. And, I like to wipe my mouth on my sleeves too, after belching profoundly! Is it possible that you might offer official DPT swag in black, for those of us afflicted with a manly eating disorder?”

DPT: I haven’t come up with a design that would look cool on a black t-shirt yet. I’ll work on it this weekend so you can look stylin’ while drooling.

freudz wet dream asks “Why is your name Tony if you're not Italian?”

DPT: Surprisingly enough, most Euro languages have some sort of derivative for Anthony. It could be Italian, I just don’t know for sure. My family has been American too long to know exactly where the family name came from.

PoP asks “Why Don't you ever give credit to the father that introduced you to Monty Python the credit he deserves for you growing up to be a Funny, Greedy, Rich Republican Wannabe.”

DPT: Sure Pop. Everyone, my father made me watch the Holy Grail when I was twelve. I’ve never looked at England the same way since.

Ssssteve asks “ Doc, What color caulk do you like best?
sorry couldn't help it!”

DPT: I’ve never handled caulk before, which do you think works the best Ssssteve? (everyone should go visit Ssssteve, he deserves it for being a faithful reader)

Wyatt Earp asks “If you could bang (er, make love to) any woman, living or dead (well, the dead ones would be alive for this), who would it be?”

DPT: If you think for a second that I’m willing to defend myself from a ninja knife attack later this evening, than you might want the doctor to check your head at your physical on Saturday.

Uber asks “What is something you always wanted to do but have never done? (naughteh with dead chicks excluded since Wyatt already covered that)”

DPT: I’ve always wanted to sky dive but there are a couple of things keeping me from doing it. 1 is that I’m not keen on strapping myself to the front side of some instructor for the first jump which is tandem. I don’t know for sure whether he’s having a good day or not. 2 is that I’m really not going to give control on whether my chute opens to some stranger and if I have control over the chute opening; I’m not going to be responsible for the life of some stranger.

The Conservative UAW Guy asks “Why is Freudz Wet Dream back after all this time?”

DPT: Why does anyone keep coming back here? Everyday I’m amazed to see that people come back. I bet it’s morbid curiosity.

Tyler D. asks “What is your address because I have all this toilet paper and eggs just sitting around the house. “

DPT: You don’t know how tempted I am to put some schmucks address in right now.

Insolublog asks “Being poo oriented, do you ever use that tired old pull-my-finger joke? Does Pop?”

DPT: I can’t help that people have the need to tell me their poo stories. I’ve never done the pull my finger joke and I’m not sure that’s in Pops repertoire either.

GunnNutt asks “During your "skivyless" period, did you ever get anything else stolen by the Underpants Gnomes?”

DPT: I’m thinking they might have stolen my shame and dignity since have little of either now.

spacemonkey asks “If given the choice would you
a) Eat a small live snake
b) Climb a volcano wearing a clown suit
or
c) kiss Michael Moore full on the mouth “

DPT: If when you say “kiss’ you mean punch then I’m going with “C”. Otherwise I’ll be eating that snake rare.

Q & A Not T & A

What kind of site do you think this is anyway? Its Q & A time here at Dr. Phat Tony’s. The topic of your questions today will be….umm…..me. Yah, that’s the ticket. I’m sure some of you want to know a little bit more about me, my personal habits, my theory on why people keep sending me poo stories. So here is you chance, ask me anything. If I’m too uncomfortable answering your question, I’ll make up something completely ridiculous. Leave your question in the comments.

Forwarded Funny

MegaBrad has once again sent me something I could post quickly. God bless him and God bless French bashing.

• “France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes." Mark Twain.

• "I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." General George S. Patton.

• "Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." Norman Schwartzkopf

• "We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." Marge Simpson

• "As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure" Jacques Chirac, President of France "As far as France is concerned, you're right." Rush Limbaugh

• "The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee." Regis Philbin.

• "The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whisky I don't know." P.J O'Rourke (1989).

• "You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it." John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona.

• "You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people." Conan O'Brien

• "I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get Hitler out of France either" Jay Leno.

• "The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." David Letterman

• “Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada.” Ted Nugent.

• “War without France would be like ... uh ... World War II.” Anonymous

• "The favorite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right now is one that says 'First Iraq, then France.'" Tom Brokaw.

• "What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?" Dennis Miller.

• "It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us." Alan Kent

• "They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house." Argus Hamilton

• "Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day -- the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once.'" Rep. Roy Blunt (MO)

• "The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in Iraq." Dennis Miller

• "Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris? It's not known, it's never been tried." Rep. R. Blount (MO)

• "Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was raining." John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv.

• The AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced after the London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate. The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.

• French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney (AP), Paris, March 5, 2003 The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.

Heh. Do you have any others?

Aaaargh a Meme

So Contagion wants to bring down my fury upon the masses by tagging me with a meme. Normally I don’t participate but this one seems to be fairly harmless and not so thought provoking on my part so I’ll give it a shot. I guess people want to know Five Weird Habits that I have. Honestly I have none. It’s hard to be the standard for normality and still be weird, so I’ll just have to go with what the weirdos that surround me everyday have said to me.

I have two phrases that I like using all the time, “For God’s sake be careful.” and “So that’s what they’re calling it now.” I use them all the time. Someone tells me they’re going to the bathroom and I tell them “ For God’s sake be careful”. Someone tells me they went bowling over the weekend, I say “So that’s what they’re calling it now.” I crack myself up.

I also have the super ability to sleep for long periods of time. My record was in Germany when I slept 56 hours straight only stopping to drink water and get rid of water. What a great weekend that was.

I might have a touch of OCD. I really don’t like my food touching on my plate. I’m not sure why. I tell myself that it’s because I want to be able to taste each dish distinctly, which also might be the reason why I eat one dish at a time too.

I once spent 16 weeks eating food with only a spoon. This wasn’t self imposed mind you, but I did it none the less. They wouldn’t let us eat with anything but a spoon in basic and AIT. They figured we didn’t have time to use any other utensil. If it didn’t fit on the spoon, pick it up and eat it. Also did you know that the going price for a slice of bread in basic was about $5?

I spent 3 years in the army without owning a pair of underwear. Before you get all grossed out, let me explain. In basic the Drill Sergeants gave out some free advice. They said, “Why would you want all that sweat and filth being held against your sack?” Made sense to me. For the record it was pretty good advice. After being out in the field for two weeks with out a shower you skin starts breaking out from being in contact with your filthy clothes (legs were the worse from the BDU Pants) but never once did the “boys” get any kind of rash. It's also alot easier to hold your rifle, pull security, and get your "gun" out to relieve yourself, when there is only one layer of clothes to get through. Anyway, after learning the benefits of “free-ballin” I just never wore them again until I got married. Come to think of it, a lot of things I used to do were stopped or modified after getting married….I guess that will be saved for another post.

I’m supposed to tag 5 more people but I have to put some thought into it. I’ll update later and point out the victims. Now is your chance to beg, plead, and compliment me so that I don’t tag you.

Update Here ae the Five weirdos I'm tagging Uber(in hope of more pictures), JimmyB, Insolublog (Not that I think he would do it), Stella Piccolo, and Wyatt (because you can't get any more weird than him)

Update #2 The contest is on and I took the first screen shot this morning using the TTLB. I'll be taking one everymorning till Christmas so get to entering.

Update #3 I still need votes to win the Milblog award go and vote already if you haven't.

Tidbit Advice

Over the years, through both experience and observation, I’ve come across some helpful advice or thoughts that everyone should look at.

• Never lecture a subordinate about the importance of attention to detail with your fly open.

• Kids will believe anything. Put this to a test as often as possible.

• If it looks like a static line and smells like a ham slice; you’re dehydrated.

• I make more money per hour take home working 123 hours than I do working 178.5 hours.

• No matter how good she looks; there is some guy who is tired of putting up with her crap.

• “It is better to ask for forgiveness, than ask for permission” is only good advice for know-nothing privates.

• If you don’t believe in an after life; what’s the purpose of being a good person?

• The world was here a long time before me and it will be here a long time after I’m gone. I’m not so vain that I think that I can destroy it.

• If a woman wrote her name in the snow, would it look like Olympic gymnastic floor exercises only naked?

• There are a lot of things you should never do against the wind. There are also a lot of things you should not stand down wind from.

• I got a fortune cookie shortly before I started all my overtime work. It said “Wealth belongs to those who create it.” This could not have been written by the Chinese government, or even the Democrats within our own government.
• Most of the things I regret doing were a lot of fun to do.

• Skinny dipping is only a good idea for men when the water is warm.

• Two tortoises having sex sounds like someone knocking on the front door for hours. (No joke, Will witnessed it in Kosovo)

• I never speak about politics or religion with people I just meet, but they always want to speak to me about them.

• Nose hairs probably have a tensile strength that surpasses anything else on earth.

I might think of some more, but tell me how you like the ones I have down already.

Contest Part 2

Because of the lazy readers lack of html knowledge. The new contest is a lot easier. I’ve noticed my de-evolution and think I want it fixed for Christmas. It’s link pimpin’ time folks. Here’s how it’s going to work. Whoever has the most links (using the TTLB page for judging purposes. I’ll take a screen shot every morning.) whether it be to articles or the main site, wins some swag. Some things I would like to see though. Since people are going to be link me a lot, lets have a goal in mind besides evolution. Let’s make me the #1 hit for these searches. History of Thanksgiving History of Discovery of America How to Join the Canadian Army and of course Humpback Midget never mind I’m already number one for that so make that last one Girls Gone Wild. So, go ahead and get to pimpin' my link and get me back to being a large Mammal. Last day is Christmas day, So you better get moving.

UPDATE: To make me evolve you'll have to link to a whole bunch of my articles. This is a good thing. Maybe a few will go back and read the classics (when I say classic I mean 6 months old).

UPDATE: I've slipped to number 8 for the Milblog award. WTF over. You guys better step it up.

New Contest

That’s right ladies and gentleman it’s time for some free swag. You want some don’t you? This time it will be open for all, readers and bloggers alike. How this contest works (Please I hope it works). I need a new layout for my blog. I’ve noticed that I’m running out of room in my single sidebar. I am giving away a free shirt to the person that designs the best layout for my blog. Yes it may seem that this is a cheap way to get someone to redesign my blog (and it is) but it’s still a way to get a fashionable Dr. Phat Tony shirt for nothing.

The rules are easy. It just has to work in blogger. Just set up the lay out in a blogger site and email me the link. Judging will be held on New Years day and the shirt will follow. Steve sports his shirt from the last contest, you can be like Steve. So, break out the ol’ HTML for dummies and get started. Ready, set, go! I’m waiting.

Top 7

Well after a short stay in the top five, I’ve slipped to number seven. I have no one to blame but the people who haven’t gone and voted. Maybe after the voting is all finished I will petition for a recount or sue in a courtroom for voter disenfranchisement. After all it’s not my fault that people didn’t vote for me. I just didn’t get my message out. All though it could be a plot be Karl Rove to ensure that his candidate sits atop of the milblog awards. Just what is the relationship between Black Five and Karl Rove? Is Michael Yon connected in anyway to the Zionists? Can anyone think of any other conspiracies about these blogs that are keeping me from being Number 1? My nice guy approach didn’t work. I think it’s time for a smear campaign

I Can Fix The Flag Burning

I hear that Hillary Clinton cosponsored anti-flag burning legislation today. I think that the consensus about flag burning is that, all though it’s abhorrent, it is a protected form of speech. You can’t circumvent the constitution just because you don’t like the act.

Now saying this, I do have a way to make it all but impossible to burn a flag without there being repercussions. Listen carefully, make owning a flag illegal. That’s right, with my plan, all flags will be owned by the government handed out after filling out the appropriate forms and paying the application fee (fee amount depends on cost of flag). The government will then allow an individual to hold on to the flag but never relinquish ownership to that individual. On the flag will be a small tag stating “U. S. Government property, defacing or destroying is a punishable offense.”

More bureaucracy you say? Not really, flag companies now just have to make you fill out a form letting you know that ownership of the flag is given to the individual and that the money they are paying is to process the application to be a “flag bearer”, for lack of a better description. What abut the people who currently own flags? Well they can keep them until it’s time to dispose of them properly or, for the weenies that like to burn flags, they will probably burn theirs quickly enough, then have to go fill out the application to be a “flag bearer” subject to the laws regarding Federal Property. How can we keep people from making their own flags then burning them? Easy enough; the same way we made making counterfeit money illegal.

I really think I’m onto something here. If there is any lawyer that happens to come across this let me know of the legality of this. I don’t think it would be unconstitutional for the government to pass legislation banning the ownership of flags.

Just 1 Time

I write one post about caulk and then people think it's o.k. to send me this kind of stuff. O.k. It's really funny but it's probably not safe for work. So put your headphones on and take a listen. Again IT'S NOT SAFE FOR WORK, SO PUT YOUR HEADPHONES ON. There isn't foul language or anything but you'll see what I mean.

Update: It's working now.

Update: Everyone needs to make sure they vote for me so I can stay in the top ten. Go vote now or else.....something bad.

Insolublog VRS Frank Galvin

ROUND 1

It seems that Insolublog and Frank Galvin have built some type of dysfunctional relationship. I intend to exploit it. Frank can send me a post for rebuttal anytime by emailing me.

Another Heartfelt Frank You Letter

Thank you, Frank. Thanks for bolstering my firm confidence in Republican victory for the foreseeable future. Nobody loves being insulted more than me. It morally liberates me to do the same. It has that crisp morning ozone aroma, that wakes you up, next to that cup of steaming java. There is nothing like having moonbats, suffering from a dangerous virulent strain of Lyssavirus, break their fangs off on my thick, computerized, nerdy hide. George Bush knows what I am talking about. I am specifically fond of the name altering game. It brings me all the way back to those fond childhood days, with delightful playground taunts of "I know you are, but what am I?" and "I'm rubber, you're glue...".You get the picture. What Fun Stuff.

You know, Frank you do have some good points.

On your point of the Order, We should shed our swastikas and Klan pillowcases on E-Bay. I'm sure planned parenthood would snap up the former for their 'Museum of our Founder'. Bob Byrd will, no doubt, gobble up the latter. To move forward, with the great recovery however, you should endeavor to prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that there is no Democrat White People's Party.

Here is the idea:

First, find Bob Byrd a room, in a roach motel somewhere. Lock the door. Next, collectively buy the home next to Ted Kennedy's house in Hyannisport. Convert the upscale property into a special needs, self esteem building retreat for downtrodden, homeless, illegal Mexican welfare recipients. Stock it with lots of booze, a 2 kilowatt stereo, a small rice burner track out
back and an outdoor pig rotisserie on the front lawn. Then carefully monitor Teddy, as he simmers in his commitment to humility and multi-cultural diversity. Make sure you have that finger poised on the MSM nuclear press release detonation trigger, ready to deploy, on the first sign of complaint. We can fashion a similar scene next to Kerry's Beacon Hill brownstone. I
know they are all for 'the little people' and 'the children'. I know, in spite of the strong resemblance and stench, that they are nothing like those elitist, upper crust, French socialists, who have been deliberately greasing the socioeconomic ladder rungs of young Muslims. It would be such a nice taste of what our military gets from the press.

I like your twist on the first amendment too, Frank. As soon as possible, I plan to hop on a plane to New York, rush past NYT security and pound on the door of Pinch Sulzberger. I will demand that he print my excoriating letter of discontent, above the fold, in the Times. After all it's about my free speech, damn it. I will tell him that he has no moral right to moderate and censor his newspaper. I will then order Pinch to print a hyperlink, pimping my blog. That should bring the ratings up. I will work my way over to the Scare America studio and do the same thing. I can always use some lame excuse about public airwaves, FCC and stuff. We will have to see how it turns out.

I must tell you Frank, I am in love with that innovative new theory on Taxes too. Now I can forget all that ridiculous general fund propaganda, which I have been swallowing all these years. I no longer need to rely on the old, tired assumption that so much percentage of every dollar goes to into the pork barrel du jour.

Now I am free to speculate wildly.

Maybe this is what the South Park Underpants Gnomes do, on the off season! They carefully check each taxpayer's gift of love and put the check in some special place. Hmmm, Frank's check goes to sensitive, caring entitlements. Insolublog's check goes into the evil national security/Halliburton tray. Michael Moore's check goes into, well the evil Halliburton tray, since he owns the stock. It can't be the general fund, since I cannot possibly know where MY money goes. Oh, and thanks for reminding me that I need to bitch at the government again. (Taking note. ) This is great. I want all my red cents, from my blue state, going to national security.

You must have been an adept taffy puller, in a previous life, Frank. When you took my statement on the evils of tort lawyers, and transposed it into a Delay style indictment, endorsing corporate corruption. That was sheer spin genius of Howard Dean lore! The way you tenaciously stick to that evil corporate entity argument is breathtaking. Ted Kennedy is raising his scotch glass to you. Even innocent employees form a slimy head on the evil, abominable corporate Hydra. They must all pay in blood. Silly me. I thought people working in the private sector created all the wealth in this country. Now I know it is collected and carefully vended out by government, lawyers and liberal political apparatchiks. See? I can pull taffy too.

Sadly, I know the Fourth Reich is in charge now, Frank. Take heart. I am sure that there is an important role for the angry disenfranchised moonbat in our society. DPT identified it once as the 'circle of poo'. To grow a strong political oak, you need a good nourishing dose of stinky poo, to feed the grassroots. Yes, I do forgive you for living in Chicago, Frank. Say hi, on my behalf, to the right honorable Mayor Daly. He is, what we conservatives call a good, solid predictable Democrat.

Home Improvement

Ring Ring

Home D***: Good evening Home D*** how can I help you?

DPT: I need to speak to someone about caulk.

Home D***: Please hold while I transfer you to the right department.

Ring Ring

Bill: Hello this is Bill how can I help you?

DPT: Bill, this is Tony and I heard you were the man to speak to when it came to caulk. Is that right?

Bill: Yah, I know a bit about it. What do you need to know?

DPT: Well I’ve never handled Caulk before, is it hard?

Bill: No, it’s real easy. What do you need the Caulk for?

DPT: My friend was telling me that Caulk was good to fill cracks. My buddy loves Caulk. He says Caulk is the best thing out there to fill a crack.

Bill: Well, it’s pretty good at sealing cracks.

DPT: Let me ask you a couple of questions about the Caulk you have there, Bill. What sizes does Caulk come in?

Bill: Well we have it in 10oz and 6oz.

DPT: So, you have a ½ pound of Caulk and a ¼ pound of Caulk.

Bill: I don’t know the conversion, but that’s sound right.

DPT: How large is the 10oz Caulk?

Bill: It’s pretty big. How large is the crack you’re trying to fill?

DPT: We’ll get to that later. Does the Caulk come in different colors?

Bill: Just white and black.

DPT: Which do you prefer?

Bill: It depends, I’ve actually never used the black before, but I bet it works fine.

DPT: I see. Well I guess I’ll have to come down there and take a look at your Caulk.

Bill: No problem, is there anything else?

DPT: Nope, I think that’s about it. Bill you’ve been a big help. You sure do know a lot about Caulk.




Authors note: I’m not sure where I heard the premise of this originally but it sure is funny.

Update on the Vote

I still have a long way to go before I’m at the top of the list. Actually I probably will never be at the top of the list for Milblogging because of that Michael Yon and BlackFive. They honestly do more “Milblogging” then I do. I only occasionally write a “There I was, No sh**” story. This doesn’t mean that I can’t win.

I’m really beginning to wonder if I have more than 22 people reading this blog, or are most of my hits from google searches looking for Girls Gone Wild. If there are silent non commenting readers out there, please go and register then vote. It’s free and they won’t even fill your inbox with useless garbage. They do ask if you want the newsletter emailed to you but you can always say no. Alright enough of that, go and vote.