Phat Tuesday

I’m not sure why but the Catholics have deemed me worthy of having my own day. I’m not sure of the rules of having your own day so I’m going to have to make some up. Phat Tuesday should be the one day in the year where people would live the way I would have wanted (not the way I do ‘cause going to work, coming home, eating dinner, reading or playing video games then going to sleep to do it all over again doesn’t sound like a winner of a day). So here are some things that should be done on Phat Tuesday.

• Everyone should answer their phone with the Phat Tuesday greeting. ring “I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts, how can I help you.”

• The official Phat Tuesday breakfast will consist of a bloody Mary and a cigarette. For those that don’t smoke, just hold on to an unlit one while drinking your bloody Mary, it will make you look sophisticated.

• A parade should be held in each city. The parade will consist of jogglers, chimps dressed up like people, low riding 60’s cars with hydraulics, and those weirdoes that ride the bikes with the one really big wheel and the one really small wheel.

• On Phat Tuesday the work day only lasts till 11:30 so that everyone has time to make it to the parade. The parade route will end at the largest bar in the city where it’s nickel draft beer.

• At 7 pm on Phat Tuesday everyone should throw a party or go to a party. The party must have a midget present to be considered a Phat Tuesday party. There should also be one fire eater there or at least a crazy guy with a lighter.

• A countdown will be held at 10 seconds before 10pm. You can’t party all night; you got to work in the morning you lush.


Sounds like a good time. Anyway if you have some suggestions for Phat Tuesday celebration, let me know in the comments.

MSDS for Hazardous Material

Who hasn’t heard of the wonderful MSDS (Material Safety Data Sheet)? This is the scourge of safety managers everywhere. Not only do you have to have one for every chemical that is at your workplace but you have to keep updating to ensure that you have the latest version. Below is an example of one the older style MSDS. Remember to read the MSDS before handling anything hazardous. Good luck and for God’s sake be Careful.

Gay Disney

After seeing this post on IMAO with the caption reading “BrokeBack Space Mountain” and then seeing the comment by Frankieyes that read “Butt Pirates of the Caribbean”, I figured why not have some fun and lampoon a lot of Disney rides. So here are some new attractions at the Gay Disney World.

“It’s the wrong hole after all”
“Ass Mountain” (instead of Splash Mountain…ok it’s lame, but I’m trying)

Now it’s everyone else’s chance to come up with some gay name for a ride at Disney or any other amusement park. Leave them in the comments and let’s see how assinine we can make this.

You think this might get me a whole bunch of hits from people looking for homo-erotic trips to Florida?

13 of ‘Em

I was going to rant today about some crazies I saw commenting on other sites, but then I realized that arguing on the internet is freak’n retarded. Instead I’m going to post 13 things about my home town Huntsville.

1. Huntsville AL is the birthplace of the Saturn 5 Rocket which transported the first Americans to the moon and the home of Wherner von Braun.
2. The Space and Rocket Center in Huntsville is one of the world’s largest space museums.
3. The headquarters for the National Speleological Society is located not too far from my home.
4. The US Army Aviation and Missile Command is also headquartered in Huntsville in Redstone Arsenal.
5. I just recently found out Huntsville was fourth on the nuke list for the USSR during the cold war. New York, Washington DC and NORAD were the first three targets.
6. Because of the large of amount of engineers in Huntsville, you often see people wearing socks that don’t match.
7. We have 12 institutes of higher learning and yet people still don’t know that the left lane is the passing lane and that turn signals should be used before making the turn.
8. Huntsville might be the only place that you can see a NRA, a soccer mom, and a “my daddy is a rocket scientist” bumper sticker on a Mercedes and a Ford pickup with a lift kit and real mud on the side panels.
9. The conservative talk show host Sean Hannity got his start in Huntsville, and then mysteriously left one day with a new job in Atlanta. Conspiracy theorist say that it was a sweetheart deal between him and Bud Cramer to get him out of Alabama so that Bud wouldn’t have to take anymore abuse from Sean.
10. Huntsville was the first capital of Alabama when it entered the Union. The Alabama constitution was penned in Huntsville. That’s probably why they moved the capital. The Alabama constitution has more words than any other state constitution.
11. You know those monkeys we sent into space? They were kept at the Space and Rocket Center to keep FrankJ from visiting. They’re now all dead; so nothing is stopping him now.
12. Occasionally Huntsville gets a few tornadoes. Try to avoid mobile homes as they are the first thing a tornado looks for when entering a city. Tornados hate poor people and rednecks.
13. FreeMasons started Huntsville, and I can’t quite remember if that’s part of Zionist plot or not.

Also there are a few other people listing 13 things about their home towns.
Scouser
Tanya
Lazy Daisy
Terri
FrogsLegs
Chickadee
Kimmy
Shelli

I Might

I might have to rant today. It seems that a mental institution has released its patients all at once. There has been a rise in wackiness in the last few days on a lot of blogs I read. Anywho, I’ll work on it and post it later. For now I want everyone to discuss a good stand alone RPG for the pc I can play while my wife is playing Sims2 on the PS2. I need something to do while that’s going on.

Answers Anyone

Thanks to everyone that participated. It warms my cockles, or heart, or whatever, to know that people want to know what I think. Without further introduction here are some answers.

Jimmyb asks: “Do I get a prize if I ask the FIRST!!! question?”

DPT: Although firstness is an attribute that shows true loyalty to a blogger, I would definitely be out of money if I gave everyone who was first a prize. I am thinking about having another contest soon though.

Linda asks: “Why doesn't a certain make-believe cowboy get it?”

DPT: I can only assume that you are speaking of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain, and although I haven’t seen the movie, I heard he does ‘get it’.

Jimmyb asks: “What should I do about a certain blogger (cough-Wyatt-cough!) who has blatantly violated my seniority rights as a union member, by beating me out in the best personal blog category?”

DPT: Have you tried appeasement yet? Yes, yes you have. Try giving money next.

Tyler D asks: “Did DPT ever get any wheels?”

DPT: My vehicle woes are still in full force. It’s getting old real quick. Hey Jimmy, send me a car and I’ll say nice things about your blog and hit refresh on my browser 100 times a day.

Nightcrawler asks: “Without having access to a newspaper in which to publish cartoons of the prophet Mohammed, how can I get a fatwa issued against me? Everyone seems to be getting them and I'm feeling left out.”

DPT: Here is what I think you should do. Dress like one of those weirdoes in with the green bandanas, and then go out in public, with Koran in hand, and eat barbeque sandwiches and pork ribs. Just make sure that every time you take a bite of delicious pork say “Mohammed be damned, this is some good tastin’ stuff!” and then ask a woman for her opinion.

Fiar asks: “Should we all give up blogging now that Fmragtops is back? How will we ever compete with that?”

DPT: Have you seen the results of the competitions I’ve been in? I’m probably the last one to ask about how to compete, unless you want to lose.

Uber asks: “Just how did Lazy Daisy beat your blog down?”

DPT: Well I checked my Frappr map, and I have come to the conclusion that I don’t appeal to a large demographic. Women and people that live in west (minus the northwest coast) don’t like me. If I can fix this problem I will be a winner, or at least a larger loser.

Pop asks: “How did Linda get a picture of her sitting in my lap? I don't remember that Christmas party.”

DPT: Who doesn’t have a picture of themselves sitting on your lap? You’re such a lap whore. You think that just because you resemble Santa Claus you should let strangers sit on your lap. Don’t you know that’s how creepiness spreads.

Fmragtops asks: “Doesn't my return lower the curve and make Fitch's (along with everyone else's) blog appear better?”

DPT: Actually you do get some interesting trolls, and plus with you blogging again, we can wait and watch for you to quit again. You can be the Michael Jordan of blogs.

Linda says: “I'd like to retract my question--I no longer care!”

DPT: Sorry Linda, there is no indian giving here. You’re stuck with your question.

Lil’ B-Cack asks: “Hypothetically speaking (of course) how many midgets could fit in a 4 door Ford Escort (with a regular sized girl driving0? And would these midgets make you have crappy gas mileage?”

DPT: Screw the mileage! You would have a car load of midgets. That’s freakin’ awesome. I wonder if midgets have to ride in car seats?

Ssssteve asks: “(poop question) How come corn doesn't break down like the rest of my food that I eat?”

DPT: Variety of poo is the spice of life. For more poo fun, try eating beet salad for a few days. Maroon poo is just plain funny.

Wyatt Earp asks: “Why is the U.S. Olympic team full of crybabies, "Me, me, me" types, drunks, and sucky hockey players?”

DPT: I’m beginning to think that winter sports might be gay, or at least liberal. Is there such a thing as unsucky hockey?

The Anti-Hippie asks: “Does lil' b-cack have a boyfriend? ;)
Uhh... I mean...
What is the Doctor Phat Tony(tm) method for getting a girlfriend? “

DPT: I really don’t know if Lil’ B-Cack has a boyfriend. She’s my friend’s kid sister so those thoughts don’t enter my mind. I know what she does have though. She has a goat, AR-15, and my 30 round magazine. She sent me a picture of my magazine and sure enough it has Phat Tony written on it. Now to woo a women I would suggest a few things. 1, have money. Chics dig money. 2, smell good. Chics like to smell things. 3, have more money. Women are pretty expensive.

Insolublog asks: "When is the President going to realize that bidding out our port management to the UAE is like bidding out border security to Mexico?"

DPT: Well that's not too far from the truth about Mexico being our border guard. I'm pretty sure they have more troops on the border than we do. I'm thinking some one might have to visit the Pres with the clue bat in hand.

I Haven’t

…forgot about Q&A with Dr. Phat Tony. There have just been other things that I’ve wanted to post. Anywho, it’s time to get some less than common sense distributed out into the blogosphere. Need advice? Ask away. Need piece of mind? Ask away. Need direction? Have you tried Hari Krishna? (Man I love the Muppet Movie)

As you are thinking about the question that needs to be answered make sure you sign my map. I seem to be lacking people in the middle of the country. Maybe I should write a post about corn to help entice readers from these states.

I Give My Full Support

Every once in a while a product comes along that truly amazes me. This product has my full support. Before I give you the link I want to share with you some of the customer reviews and other small blurbs from the Neuticles website.

"He's a guy and I wanted him to remain looking like one."
Lane Hinderman
Metairie, Louisiana

"Neuticles were the absolute least I could do."
Glenda Nelson
Spring, TX

"Neuticles are just plain neat!"
Rush Limbaugh

Have you figured out what Neuticles are yet? If not let me give you some more from their website. How about the latest product?
Neuticles® UltraPLUS®
With ScarRetard and Epididymis

Now that sounds exciting. How many people are ready to go get some Neuticals? They have just size you’re looking for I’m sure. Once you get your Neuticals maybe you would like to share the joy of owning them with other people. You should probably get a shirt to let people know how much you love your Neuticles.

Neuticles T-Shirts
Features NEUTICLES logo and wording "It's Like Nothing Ever Changed"

O.k. here is the link. Have fun and make sure you let me know if you decide to buy Neuticles, and remember,
"Neuticles are a fix for the fix."
United Features Syndicate

I just wanted to let you know that as I was reading this website, I tried to call the guy that sent me the link but couldn’t stop laughing long enough to string a coherent sentence together.

Hunting Lawyers

Texas Hunting Code (Updated & Revised)

Bill to Regulate the Hunting and Harvesting of Attorneys

370.01 Any person with a valid in-state rodent or
snake hunting license may also hunt and harvest
attorneys for recreational and sport (non-commercial)
purposes.
370.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is
permitted. The use of United States currency as bait,
however, is prohibited.

370.03 Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state
health department inspection for rabies, and vermin.
370.04 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor
vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an
ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is
accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead
attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the
vehicle should proceed immediately to the nearest car
wash.

370.05 It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest
attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft.
370.06 It is unlawful to shout, "WHIPLASH",
"AMBULANCE", or "FREE SCOTCH" for the purposes of
trapping attorneys.
370.07 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100
yards of BMW, Mercedes or Porsche dealerships, except
on Wednesday afternoon.

370.08 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200
yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs,
country clubs, hospitals or brothels.

370.09 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not
necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess
the same.
370.10 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise
as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk,
sheep, accident victim, bookie, physician,
chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of
hunting attorneys.

370.11 Bag and Possession Limits per day:
Yellow-bellied sidewinders, 2;
Two-faced tortfeasors, 1;
Back-stabbing divorce litigators, 3;
Horn-rimmed cut-throats, 2;
Minutiae-advocating dirtbags, 4.
Honest attorneys, PROTECTED (See, Endangered Species Act).

H/T Cove Rebel

More D&D Fun

Will I ever get tired of making fun of people that play D&D? Probably not!
This might be the best video clip ever.

Make sure you sign my map too.

Everyone's Doing It

So I'm fashionably late in doing this, but give me coordinates so that I can add you to the places that I can go to hide when "they" come after me.

Go here now!

Update 1: I'm beginning to think this map was a bad idea. It seems no one likes me enough to let me hide out at their place.


Update 2: I will posting one of the funniest video clips later this evening so make sure you come back and watch.

Visit San Francisco

After hearing Gerardo Sandoval say he doesn’t want the U.S. to have a military and hearing that the voters in San Fran made it illegal for city residents to own a hand gun, I’ve decided that they’re going to need some help with tourism. I’m going to give it my best shot.

Attention all Criminals:

Are you tired of wondering whether the person you are about to mug has a weapon? Are you constantly worried about getting shot while robbing a person’s home? Have you thought twice about raping a woman for fear she might be packing heat? Is murdering some one more of a chore when they are armed? Well worry no more! Lovely San Francisco should be the destination for your next vacation.

San Francisco has many amenities for criminals. They have the most liberal judges, the most cowardice citizens, and it’s easy to blend in and hide with the local homeless population. As an added bonus, if you claim that you are homeless, we will make sure you get a monthly stipend and food stamps so that you won’t have to spend your easily stolen money on anything but luxuries. So come visit San Francisco, a criminal's first choice for vacation.



This advertisement was brought to you by the Send the Criminals to San Fran Coalition.

Helping the Ladies

Last week I gave some advice for the guys on how to make sure their love interest had a good Valentine’s Day. Basically women want lots of stuff. Today I’m going to help out the women. I think it’s only fair to lend my genius to help make sure that all my female readers make a memorable Valentines Day for their husbands or boyfriends. So here are some great Valentine’s Day suggestions.

• Don’t talk so much. There once was a time when your man would sit for hours without having any conversation at all. Let him revisit those times, if just for one evening.

• Remember that thing you used to do, but don’t do as much anymore, if at all? Do that for him.

• Try making him a sandwich, and then deliver the sandwich while being naked. Do not make the sandwich while being naked. That’s just unsanitary.

• Make it a no problem Valentine’s Day. If there is something on your mind, which might be construed as nagging, just hold off on discussing it until tomorrow. Give him just one evening of peace would ya.

• You know that annoying thing that your husband/boyfriend does that really sets you off? Let him do that and don’t reprimand him.

• Try to avoid questions like these: Are you almost done in there? How many are you going to drink tonight? Didn’t you just eat dinner? Do we have to? Didn’t we just do this a few nights ago?

I think you get the idea. Notice that all these gifts cost nothing and your husband/boyfriend will love them and love you more by proxy. Good luck ladies let me know how it turns out.

Four Things I Hated

I got a chance to see part of the opening ceremonies to the Olympics in Italy on Friday. I noticed there were 4 things that I disliked about them. In order of most loathed to disliked here are the 4 things.

• Susan Sarandon


• Yoko Ono


• Peter Gabriel


• The rest of the opening ceremonies


As a matter of fact the opening ceremonies only had one redeeming quality. I would have rather watched the Ferrari doing donuts for 3 hours than the rest of that crap.

Valentine’s Day Help

Uber has been giving advice as to what to buy women for Valentine’s Day. This seems to be backwards to me. I’ve yet to meet a woman that actually knows what she wants, so for a woman to tell a guy what to buy for another woman seems ridiculous.

Do not worry guys; I’m here to help. Follow these easy rules for Valentine’s Day gift shopping and you will have the same results that I get on a daily basis (Results may vary, please don’t sue me).

• Buy your wife a new vacuum cleaner. Giving you wife appropriate tools so that she can clean the house is a wonderful gift idea. Women love to feel useful and giving them a good vacuum cleaner will remind them that there is always a floor somewhere that needs to be cleaned. Do not buy them the roomba though. Reason one, is because a roomba will take away some of the work that they have to do, and with that, take away some of their usefulness. Reason two is because the roomba is controlled by a computer. If something is controlled by a computer, then soon you will be living in fear of it. Need I mention the Matrix or Terminator?

• Tell your significant other “I love you.” while she’s doing the laundry. Nothing like letting your loved one know how much you like clean underwear. If your feeling up to it, you can even offer to let her know when the rinse cycle is over.

• Do not buy flowers. Flowers die after a short while and there is nothing more depressing than giving a gift that signifies your love, then watching it whither away after a few days. If you want to buy her something colorful; buy her a cookbook with lots of pictures.

• Do not take her out to eat. Besides the endless wait that you would have to endure to taste some overcooked, overpriced food, you will also take away from her the opportunity to take care of you. She lives to take care of you.

• Take your shoes from the living room to your closet. Make sure that when you take your shoes to the closet to let her know you are doing this. You wouldn’t want your gift to go unnoticed.

• Diuretics and appetite suppressants are also a wonderful gift idea. Even if your better half isn’t over weight, the presence of weight loss pills in the house will make her want to stay in shape. Nothing says I love you, like letting her know that you are watching her figure.

• Buy her a case of beer. Remember that first time you got lucky? Do your best to revisit those times. What a romantic time that was.

• Let her decide what video game you play on Valentine’s Day. Couples that play together; stay together.

So there are some wonderful tips for you guys for Valentine’s Day. I’m sure your woman will agree that you haven’t done anything right, but that’s because they don’t really know what they want. Why try is what I’m saying. Also it’s recommended that you should wear a cup before following any of my advice. Good luck.

Not Now

Hey everyone, ever been working and said to yourself, “Man, I’ve got a ton of work to do. How am I going to find time to write something on the blog?” and then after you say that you say, “My job does pay me more than my blog. Maybe I should get back to work.”

The only way this can be remedied is to send me lots of money. Then I can blog full time and entertain you all day. I will be waiting for the checks.

Also, does anyone have an idea about what I can do to have a fatwa issued against me? I really want to have one. Do they send you a letter in the mail? ‘Cause if they did I would frame it.

I've got some good stuff coming soon, so check back.

Dance Puppets!

How do you incite violence in Muslims? Easy enough, all you have to do is draw a cartoon like this:

How do you show the inherent violence in the Muslim religion and get flagged in blogger? Easy enough, just make a painting like this and have Muslims post comments about free speech.

Hat Tip Point Five.

Democrats to Impose Religious Indoctrination

Alabama has the most interesting news stories I tell you. There was a bill to introduce a Bible course for public schools in Alabama. It wasn’t going to be mandatory, but offered as an elective. The oddest thing about this bill is that it had almost full support from the Democrats here in Alabama, and wasn’t passed only because of the state Republicans.

The odd part is this; if the Republicans would have introduced this bill, it would have made national news with headlines that read “Republicans to introduce Christian indoctrination in schools” or “Theocracy now; a republican view on education”. Yet this story hasn’t made the national news due to it being led by Democrats.(or more likely, no one really cares about Alabama politics).

My personal view on the whole things is that religion is better taught by parents or church leaders, not by city employees. I know that most people that read my site are all about putting prayer back into public schools. I just know that with all the different interpretations out there of the Bible, a course trying to teach it would cause more problems. There is a solution though, and one I think the state Republicans need to get started, have school vouchers so that everyone would be able to have a choice as to what type of education their child receives.

Discuss it in the comments.

Oh, and this was not funny. (Just thought I should tell people in case some one is out there laughing maniacally for no reason.)

Midgets R Us

B-Cack and his sister have this thing about midgets. And since Dr. Phat Tony is all about midget and poo stories, Lil’ B-Cack has offered a anecdote about her “midget experience”.

My Date with the School Midget

Well, it’s no secret that I like midgets. They are just cool. They can do things that other people just simply can’t, like jump out of a small box wearing a tuxedo and tap dance, so needless to say I was very excited when I got put into a practical arts class with the school little person. Now, this guy isn’t just a regular little person. He was an exceptionally cool little person. I shit you not he was on the track team, wrestling team, and the Varsity Baseball team (and no joke, he was the short stop….. I know, I know, it’s very ironic… life‘s cruel). I was determined to make friends with him, and I started talking to my half pint friend. We hit it off, and before I know it, I was calling my favorite brother in the whole world to tell him that I was going on a date with this midget. I think B-Cack actually pissed himself in delight when I told him. Now, I understand it is very rude to go out with somebody that you have no romantic feelings for, so I made sure he understood that was as friends only. He was cool with it.

So we decided that I was going to drive (considering he couldn‘t reach the pedals in my car, and I wouldn‘t fit in his Power Wheels jeep). As we made our way to the movie theater, my favorite Metallica song came on the radio. Like the true mullet-metal lover I am, I instinctively cranked up the radio full blast, simultaneously head-banging and playing the steering wheel drums. Then I remember that there was somebody else in the car with me, and I turn to my date and I see him playing the air guitar. Let me repeat this: THERE WAS A MIDGET JAMMING OUT TO METALLICA IN MY CAR!!!!!!!!!!! I had to bite my lip to keep from giggling with glee.

We get to the movie theater and you would not believe the looks we were getting. I know they were all jealous of me, and I have to admit that it put a little extra spring in my step. We buy our tickets (we went Dutch, since there would be no midget loving later on), and head into the theater. He sort of jumped to get into the seat, and of course a really tall guy had to sit right in front of my short stature date. The movie was fine. Nothing too interesting to say about that, but after our “date,” the midget took a fancy to me, and asked me out again. Now, I wanted to scratch “go on date with midget” off my life’s to do list, but nowhere on that list was “get a midget boyfriend.” So I had to break it off, and I turned the little guy down easy. Didn’t want to break his little heart or anything. B-Cack was upset because he thought it would be cool if I went to the Prom with him ( in fact, I think he offered me 50 bucks), but I didn’t want him to get the Midget Mafia on me or anything, so I let it ride. Needless to say, every time I hear “Enter Sandman” I have a flash back to my main man midget on the air guitar. ------ Lil’ B-Cack out!

At the Request of Engineers

At the request of engineers I work with I present you this video.

Diversity Strikes Again

It’s amazing what people will do in the name of diversity. I read this and thought that there is an easy way to combat this. Here is an excerpt: "Birmingham University's Student Union Guild has demanded that the Evangelical Christian Union (ECU) amend its constitution to allow people of all faiths to become members and, this is the killer point, sit on its leadership body."

Let’s point out the obvious, if you have a Christian group, it only stands to reason that a requirement to be a part of the group, you would have to be Christian. It is the same with any other group. Want to be part of a gay, lesbian, transgendered club? It would probably be wise to be one of those things.

Strange enough, this usually only happens to conservative or Christian groups. So I’m going to help people fight the good fight against “Diversity”. Here is how it works. If you have a group that requires certain behavior or affiliation, stick to your guns on who you allow in the group. Usually the school will send you a letter stating that you are violating anti-discrimination rules. After this letter is received by your group, sue the school. Contact The Fire, they have a bunch of pro bono attorneys for students to use. You can go this route if you like; it’s probably the civil way to do things. I, on the other hand, would do something like this.

Say I belong to a group called the “Gun Tot’n Democrat Haters” club and we have 100 members. The requirements to be in the club would be to own a gun and be a republican. Some Democrat peace monger wants to join the club, knowing that they will not be admitted, so they can complain to the school about discrimination and have us booted off campus. After this happened and we lost the ability to meet on campus, I would take our 100 members and join the “Democrat Feminazis for Peace” club on campus. If they said we couldn’t be in the club because of our gender or political leanings, I would complain to the school about discrimination. If the school didn’t side with us then I would sue the school for discrimination. If the school did side with us and force the “Democrat Feminazis for Peace” club to let us join, I would then use the 100 members as a way to vote ourselves into the leadership of the group and dissolve it. After this was done I would move onto the next group I didn’t agree with. Hopefully the school would then realize that people should be able to associate with who they wanted and that groups should hold the right to ask its members to share the same philosophical or morale beliefs.

Hat Tip to Kath.

Last Chance

This is your last chance to save the world from Michael Moore’s Concubine. You have to vote for me in the Best so Far awards. It’s easy. Send an email that says “All my votes (3) are belong to Dr. Phat Tony” to Lyngperry@yahoo.com . The fate of the free world depends on me beating the Kitten Killer. Think about it, if Michael Moore’s Concubine wins, your pets will never be safe again.

Master Debate

Right now there is a vote for an award, and because it’s so close I decided to host a debate for the leaders. I think this is only fair for the front runners to voice their opinions as to why anyone should vote for them.

Moderator: I would like to welcome all the nominees for the Best so Far Blog Awards.


DPT: Thanks, it’s good to be here.

Kitten Killer: I hate Democracy! Hurry this thing up! I still have to stop by the animal shelter to pick up a snack.

Lazy Daisy: How did I get dragged into all this?

Moderator: To start things off, why do you think you are worthy of receiving a Best so Far Award?

Democracy Hater: An award is just the first step in my plan for world domination. I will use this award as a springboard for instituting my “pet’s for lunch” program in all public schools.

DPT: The psychic friend’s network told me it was predestined.

Lazy Daisy: This is stupid. Who are these wackos?

Moderator: If you were a pie, what kind of pie would you be?

Michael Moore's Concubine: Can you put oil and the meat from orphans in a pie?

DPT: 3.14.

Lazy Daisy: I try to stay away from pies.

Moderator: What platform are you using to campaign for the award?

Knuckle Dragger: Lies, deceit, and anything else that will get me to the top of the pile. I really want to look down at all the little people and pour hot tar on them.

DPT: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?.......
…..Fish!

Lazy Daisy: Alright I’ve had enough. This is the most moronic thing ever.

Moderator: One last question. Do you think that you will win?

High Priest of Evil: It would fulfill the prophecy and start the end of days. So it is written (in the blood of orphan children) so shall it be.

DPT: I hope so. I’ve put a lot of time into my victory dance.

Lazy Daisy: I just want to get away from these two.

Filthy Lies About JimmyB

Because I doubt I can win the contest without spreading lots of propaganda, I’ve decide that it’s time to tell you all about JimmyB. JimmyB has kept too many secrets from his readers and now that my crack investigative reporting team has made up a bunch of rumors about JimmyB, I will report them here in hopes that people will repeat them enough times to make them the truth. In bullet form.

 A vote for JimmyB, is a vote for the Green Party. Not a funny vote, like if you voted for Cindy Sheehan, but a sinister vote, like one for Nader.

 JimmyB’s lifetime membership to the NRA was not issued by the NRA itself, but written by JimmyB with the blood of orphan children.

 JimmyB is the UAW’s political mastermind; much like Karl Rove is for the Neocons.

 JimmyB’s lust for crude oil, which he uses in his hair, was the reason we invaded Iraq.

 JimmyB has to eat three live kittens a day in order to have enough energy to blog and keep American car companies from competing in the world market.

 The only way to stop JimmyB from taking over Canada is to vote for Phat Tony in the Best so Far blog awards.

 JimmyB once beat an elderly woman with a whiffle ball bat for driving a Toyota.

 If JimmyB gets more votes than Phat Tony does, the earth’s crust will crack and bring about the end of days.

 JimmyB stole my bullets and replaced them with these squares.

See, I told you that I must win the award. I’ll make it easy on you. Send an email to the address on this sight that says. “All my votes (3) are belong to Dr. Phat Tony. He set us up the bomb.”

Airing America

Last Saturday I was cruising in my ride listening to AM talk radio when, all the sudden, the station turns to static. Normal, seems they have to reduce broadcast power at sundown. But thanks to some pseudo-science I was able to get my first taste of Air America. Yes, through the mystery of wave propagation, weather and the ever changing levels of the ionosphere, I was able to hear Air America broadcasting out of Kentucky. I have to say I was not too impressed. But, to be fair, their ratings are probably low not because of crazy content but because their lack of communication skills. Does Air America sound this way for everyone? You would think after stealing a whole bunch of money from underprivileged kids they would be able to afford some better writers. Then again with such low ratings do you really want anyone to hear stuff like this. They were probably a little upset about the impending Alito confirmation.

Click here to listen to what Phat Tony heard on Air America.

Hat tip to Screw these guys. I couldn't figure out their code.Move on Please.

Go and Vote for me right now! I must defeat JimmyB

This is the Post

This is the supposed to be the post where I shamefully beg everyone to go and vote for me. I suppose that it’s only necessary for me to beg, plead and hoodwink everyone into going and voting for me for an award. I could say things like, “I love my readers and without them I wouldn’t have even been nominated.” or “I’ve given out so much swag, where is my award for that?” But, I’m not going to. Nope, I’m going to hold my head high and say “If you want to vote for me here is the link, otherwise I’ll be at the same place tomorrow and you can still read this crap for free whether you vote for me or not.”

So here is the link for the people that feel I should get an award. Send them an email and say Phat Tony deserves all three of my votes. If you decide that my lowly attempts at humor don’t do it for you, then just know with or without an award I will continue.